Give Me All of You
by Raderle
Summary: Densi story from Deeks point of view beginning when he first saw Kensi at the MMA Gym. Slightly AU but close to canon.
1. Chapter 1: Smart Mouth

Give Me All of You

I love the song "All of Me" sung by John Legend (written by John Legend/Toby Gad). Listening to it inspired me to write a story using elements of the song, and also to try to write it in first-person mode using Deeks' point of view about events. My minions are sitting back to see if I fall flat on my face trying this in first person. I don't think they have much confidence in me, the little beasts. This story is close to canon, but there are some AU elements in it when it delves into future developments.

I started writing this in the middle of the sixth season but then real life knocked me for a loop and all my stories were put on hold. I'm just now back to good health and beginning to write again.

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me, and mores the pity, it never will. But as I've said before, I can always bring the characters out to play. I'll put them back in good shape, I promise!

Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list here but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

Reviews are always welcome. If you are enjoying this story, especially this chapter, or even if you're not, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. Feedback helps me more than you can possibly know.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 1: Smart Mouth

 **What would I do without your smart mouth**

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I first saw her in the MMA gym when I was undercover as Jason Wyler. I'd been undercover for months by that time and was finally close to breaking my case wide open. She came walking into the gym and it was as if all the air was immediately sucked out of the place. I couldn't breathe as I stood there and stared at her like a love-struck teenager. I was lucky I was able to get my game face back on before anyone noticed my reaction, especially her. God, she was beautiful, but it was more than that. So much more. I felt like I had known her for my entire life, but hadn't remembered her until that very moment in time!

I saw her glancing my way every so often while talking to the owner of the gym. His name was Victor Janklow. When he introduced her to the rests of us as Tracy, Daniel Zuna's girlfriend, I had a momentary thought that I might have been made. I knew the minute she opened her mouth she wasn't who she said she was. This I knew for a fact because I'm an LAPD undercover detective and I've been undercover for six months or so as Jason Wyler trying to find out who was controlling the drugs that were being funneled through the gym. I got in with the group at the Blood and Guts Gym through cultivating a friendship with Danny. Danny didn't have a girlfriend, in fact, he was gay so who was this woman and why was she claiming to be Danny's girlfriend? He was still in the closet, of course; because if the guys in the gym knew he was gay, he would have been out on his butt immediately. They might even have beaten him to within an inch of his life before throwing him out. That's just the kind of men they were…homophobes; well that and bigots, drug dealers and overall low-life scum. I didn't care if they had served their country, they had disgraced the uniforms they used to wear as far as I'm concerned.

So as Janklow introduced all of us to 'Danny's girl'; Tracy or whoever the hell she really is, kept glancing at me as I gave her a hard time. I could tell she liked what she saw but she was playing it like what I said hurt her feelings or something. Maybe it was her eyes, but I could see right through her and knew she was lying. The way she kept looking at me though gave me goosebumps among other things. I was having a hard time controlling my reactions because I was already a goner. I just hadn't admitted that fact to myself yet. Thank God my gym shorts were so loose is all I could think because otherwise I would have been very embarrassed!

She finally left the gym and I watched her hair swinging gently, her walk and the sway of those hips until she was out of sight. Maybe if I took a cold shower…make that a very cold shower…I might be able to get my head back in the game. I didn't think I'd ever see her again but was already thinking about how I might be able to track her down once this operation was over, so imagine my surprise when I arrived home to Danny's house and found her standing in front of his laptop in his living room looking guilty as hell.

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I've been staying in Danny's spare room as a guest for a while now. It had taken me a few weeks to wrangle the invitation from him, but as he got to know and trust me, he offered me the room for a small amount of rent. Getting close to Danny was how I had gotten most of my information about what went on at the gym. He was just days away from giving me the name of his supplier when he died. Of course, I didn't find out until later that he had been murdered.

Anyway, seeing her standing there in his living room not only pissed me off, it also intrigued me. I got in her face and asked her how she had entered the house and can you believe it, she tried to feed me a line about Danny giving her a key! When I called her on it she came up with some shit about emailing him some 'private' photos and wanting to get them back and make sure they didn't end up on the internet. My imagination took her statement and ran with it, I can tell you. I could see every one of those 'private' photos in my head. I would give just about anything to see her in those 'pictures'. I gave her a hard time about whether or not the photos were x-rated. I could tell she was scrambling to come up with some story I would believe. I gave her just enough rope…I kept stringing her along while checking out the rest of the house, telling her that Danny told me he used to party hard with her and when I had fed her enough rope, I hit her with **"but he said your name was Kate"**.

When she heard that statement, she changed her story again to one about meeting him at a party and buying drugs from him, then coming to get them herself because he never delivered them to her. God, whoever this woman is, she can't lie worth a damn! At least not to me. Next she tried coming on to me asking if I was Danny's supplier because as she said **"I was kinda hoping you were".** I finally had enough and told her to empty her pockets because maybe she had already found what she was looking for, like cash, but she was saved by a cabbie who I was pretty sure wasn't one. He was probably her partner, but I let it go. As long as they hadn't made me as a cop, I was fine with it.

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Next thing I know, some black dude is at the gym the following day talking to Janklow and trying to get Danny's spot on the team. Something smelled off about the whole setup which made me wonder if he had anything to do with 'Tracy'. I'd been working for months to get a spot on the team, keeping my head down and doing my training so you can imagine how pissed I was when it looked like someone else would get Danny's spot on the team. I wasn't going to let this yokel, or anyone else for that matter, mess up my undercover operation. I tried to convince Janklow that the spot should be mine not some stranger's who just waltzed in off the street, but he felt I wasn't ready yet. I was adamant though and he finally said we could fight for the privilege of taking Danny's spot with whoever won that night getting Danny's spot on the team. Not really the solution I was aiming for, but I had a good chance of taking him in a fight. I'd been training quite hard and I had already known quite a bit about MMA fighting before starting at the gym so I wasn't too worried.

That night, the crowd was pretty big. It was easy to spot 'Tracy' in the crowd though, which just reinforced my feelings about 'DeMarco Williams'; yeah, that was the name the black due was going by. My gut was telling me he had to be working with her. There were too many coincidences popping up around her and Danny's death. I was going to do my damnedest to take Williams out, without hurting him if possible. Well, that was my plan anyway. I was able to hold my own against him for a while and got in some really good shots, but he got lucky with a roundhouse punch to my jaw and I went down. Damn! There went my chance to get on the team and I knew, I knew! the case was about ready to explode.

~,~,~

It's a good thing I had a backup plan in place in case he got the spot. I had already set up a sting by calling some cops I know on the force that are actually friends letting them know what I had planned. I arranged for us to get arrested if I started fighting Williams outside of the club. First I tried to pay him off but he wasn't buying anything I was selling. That took the first option off the table.

Option 2 got us both arrested for fighting in the alley behind the gym after I picked a fight with him. I figured the cops could keep him on ice for 24 hours minimum, which would give me a way in back at the gym and I could finally take down the crew for the drugs I knew they were dealing from there. What I didn't know at the time was that 'Williams' was an NCIS agent working undercover investigating Danny's death. Needless to say, he didn't spend any more time in jail than I did. That's when I found out his real name was Sam Hanna. I also met his boss, a woman named Hetty. She's this pocket-sized woman. She couldn't have been more than 4 foot 8, but what she lacks in size she more than makes up in gravitas. Watching Sam with her, I could tell he was afraid of her. He's my size though much bulkier and I'm not small. I'm 6 foot 2. She must make up for her lack of stature in power. I found out that woman is one scary lady; she radiates both power and danger!

After introductions all around, we ended up in their 'safe' house? boatshed?...whatever; sharing information on the case. Actually, I was the one sharing all the information. They weren't being very forthcoming, in fact they looked like they were made of stone, although they did show me the report indicating that Zuna had been murdered. There was a definite chill in the air. Who the hell do they think they are anyway? They're no better than I am; I don't care if they're federal agent wienies or not. Someone had better start sharing and soon or I was out of here! They needed me more than I needed them.

I finally asked Kensi, yeah that's her real name, about her ridiculous story of the 'naughty' pictures. If they weren't going to share I was gong to bring all my cheekiness, jokes and smart-ass quips out to play. A man has to have some fun sometimes. **"So, riddle me this did you pre-plan that, or maybe…maybe…that happened in real life."** As I expected, she gave me a dirty look and started fuming. God, she is so much fun to watch when she gets rattled. But I've got to hand it to her, she came right back at me. **"Crashing in his spare bedroom?** **Is that the best you could do? You're lucky I didn't shoot you myself"**. There, right there is a prime example of her smart mouth.

When I finished telling them everything I had on the Zuna case, they had the nerve to try to shut me down and push me out. Man I was now pissed to beat the band. This was an LAPD undercover operation and if anything they should be backing me up, not the other way around and I made that abundantly clear. I was really on a roll when Hetty silently appeared again saying that because it involved active military personnel, it fell under their control but went on to say it would be a joint operation and we'd be working together. When I mentioned I would have to clear it with my boss, she informed me that he had already agreed and then continued with **"Ruben says hi."** Who is this woman and how does she know everyone and everything?

~,~,~

To make a long story short, we took down the bad guys, even as Callen and his team kept trying to cut me out of the operation. It turns out a special branch of NCIS is who they all work for. Hetty's the boss, I guess. Anyway, she runs the show, that's for sure. In the end, though, who did they call to back up Sam when his cover was blown but yours truly? I kept him from getting himself shot and maybe killed by taking down one of the guys at the gym while he took care of the others. He at least shook my hand and said I wasn't too bad once everything was under control.

By the time the undercover operation was over, I had experienced Kensi's smart mouth more than once. One minute it felt like she was pulling me close to her and the next minute she was pushing me away. I could tell she was curious about me. I also knew there was something she was afraid of and I was going to find out what it was no matter how long it took. I was completely gone on her and trying to figure out how to 'bump' into her again. The next time I saw her though was after I accepted the liaison position with NCIS.

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	2. Chapter 2: Becoming the Liaison, OSP

Give Me All of You

Here's chapter 2. My minions are still watching closely to see what kind of reviews I get. They keep trying to trip me up when I'm writing and then they run and hide and I can hear them giggle the little monsters!

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me, and mores the pity, it never will. But as I've said before, I can always bring the characters out to play. I'll put them back in good shape, I promise!

Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show.

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, followed and favorited the first chapter. I can' tell you how much it means to me to get them.

Reviews are always welcome. If you are enjoying this story, especially this chapter, or even if you're not, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. Feedback helps me more than you can possibly know.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 2: Becoming the Liaison, Reporting to OSP

 **Drawing me in, and you kicking me out**

Later that evening, I was sitting in my favorite bar with a cup of coffee in front of me relaxing after getting my ass royally chewed out about the Zuna case and the fact that NCIS took over. Why Bates thought I could have done anything about them butting in or anything differently, I'll never know; but I guess since shit rolls down hill and since I was below Bates on the hill, I was going to be covered in it, metaphorically speaking. So I'm sitting there minding my own business and the next thing I know, Hetty's approaching me at the bar. My mother tried to raise me right so I said hello and something about her not having a last name. She said it was Lange. I asked her as 'Ms Lange' if she wanted me to get her anything. That's when she informed me that it was **"Miss , and I prefer Hetty."** I can get onboard with that. She continued and asked me how I felt after getting ripped a new one by my boss. When I asked her how she knew that, she went on to tell me she had experienced the same kind of chewing out from her director I had received from Bates. Turns out, the big brass at LAPD and NCIS felt that undercover operations which both agencies were involved in needed to be better coordinated and decided it would be a good thing to have a liaison officer to coordinate undercover operations between the two so they didn't step on each others toes again, so to speak. She was offering me the job.

I chuckled quietly at the job offer. I knew NCIS didn't need a liaison officer; besides that would go over like a lead balloon with Callen and company. When I voiced that opinion to Hetty, she agreed they didn't need a liaison because she said she already had one as she pushed over a folder filled with papers in front of me. I opened the folder and saw my picture on the inside cover. What the hell? I glanced over at her with one eyebrow raised before looking over the rest of the papers and found out she had already filled out the forms completely. Not only that, she obviously knew almost everything about me! She knew things about me she shouldn't have had access to, including things that happened when I was a child. How could she know that much about me? To tell you the truth, I felt like my privacy had been violated in several different ways.

I asked her again who she was and how she obtained all of my information, but she just smiled enigmatically and told me that all I had to do was sign the papers.

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Looking back on that day in the bar now, I realize that Hetty, or as I've started calling her, the ninja, practically shanghaied me into signing those liaison papers! That woman is indeed a force to be reckoned with. She's a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma hidden in a safe house with the only key, holding a hand grenade and sporting a derringer that pops down out of the sleeve of whatever jacket she's wearing! I never want to get on her bad side; I'm almost positive she could make anyone she wanted to, disappear without a trace. Signing those papers changed my life, that's for sure.

When I reported to the Office of Special Operations, or OSP as it's called, I discovered it was located in a condemned Mission building. The outside makes it look like the building could fall down at any minute but once you get inside, it's totally cool. There's a gym, a shooting gallery, a weapons vault, a huge wardrobe of all kinds of clothing...you name it and you can probably find it in that building. Hetty sure knows how to keep her agents not only well equipped but well dressed if necessary.

It figures; these people get off on all the cloak and dagger stuff. I got another taste of Kensi's smart mouth that first morning. I overheard her remark **"That's the best they could do?"** about me being assigned as the liaison to Eric before she saw me. She was talking to Eric in the OPS center as I walked in. Yeah, you heard me right, the operations center, or OPS as they call it, is located in the OSP building. OPS, OSP, it's enough to make your head swim when people start slinging around both terms interchangeably. Anyway, when she saw me and realized I had heard everything she had said, she gave me a half-assed apology and I said she was forgiven but I know it was only because I had heard her. She knew I was going to be her partner until their missing agent was found and she wasn't happy about it. That's okay, I was so going to enjoy teasing her. I could give as good as I got and she was due for some major payback after that crack.

You see, I've had a lot of things happen to me in my life I would just as soon not talk about. And during that time, I've learned that being able to come up with smart-ass remarks, retorts, quips and jokes protects my privacy and actually helps me with my job. People see a blond haired, blue eyed, scruffy looking surfer-type who's always cracking jokes and doesn't seem to take anything in life seriously and they dismiss me as unimportant. It makes me look like a dimwit, a 'Malibu Ken' doll, if you will, and has helped me greatly in my undercover career because people are always underestimating me. So you see, I know how to banter with the best of them and I know how to let things just roll off my back. What's that phrase…oh yes, 'never let them see you sweat'. I had that philosophy down pat. It doesn't matter to me that I'm not well liked on the force or that Sam, Callen, he's the leader of the team I'm going to liase with, and Kensi don't really want me as part of their team. Sam even stated something along the line of me being a type of temp. I can take it and I'll put my skills up against theirs any day of the week. I'm damned good at what I do and they found that fact out over time.

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When we went to the crime scene on my first official case as their liaison officer I looked over at the cops standing around and knew I would get no cooperation from them. Most of them didn't like me because I was an undercover cop which doesn't sit well with a lot of regular cops. When they heard I had become the liaison officer to NCIS…well, let's just say, there were more hard feelings throughout the precinct. On the one hand, they were happy to see me leave, but on the other hand, I was the one invited to work with the Feds instead of one of them and it pissed many of them off. Cops can be some of the pettiest people on the planet when it comes to their job and promotions. None of them wanted the job, but they didn't want me to have it either. Go figure.

I was right, I got nothing; and then Kensi sauntered over to them. What can I say, I knew she would have them eating out of her hand in about 2 seconds flat. Come on, seriously! The woman is gorgeous; she has great breasts and insanely long legs; what self-respecting male can resist her when she turns on the charm. She has talent and got what she needed without any trouble. She just had to needle me though as soon as she got back to the car saying **"You're okay, too, Deeks, if you're with us."** I just gave her my patented smirk and wiggled my eyebrows at her. I knew it would bother her and I was right. She gave me a dirty look and then looked out the window. Score one for me!

From then on, I made it my mission in life to give her plenty of grief. Well, giving her grief as well as having her back. She's my partner and you protect your partner. We found out the Aubrey Darva liked to party at a club called Balm, so the whole team went there. I got everyone in because I was known there as Tim and knew Sapphire (she runs the club) from my undercover days. Kensi heard Sapphire call me Tim and just had to give me a hard time.

 **"She called you Tim. Been here before?"**

 **"Undercover."**

 **"Hers? Wow."**

She's like a bull just charging right in with that smart mouth of hers. I got back at her for all the grief she was giving me when I decided to bestow a nickname on her in the club when we were looking for Aubrey. I told her, **"I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?"**

" **Don't you dare call me Fern."** She is just too easy and too much fun to tease, I couldn't resist as I approached her. Man, I could tell that really got her goat, but she wouldn't be able to do anything about it because she was undercover. It was so much fun watching her roll her eyes at me.

" **Fern, baby girl. Ooh, it's been a long time."**

" **I'm not interested."**

We were both loud enough to give her an in to follow Aubrey into the ladies room. By the end of the evening, we had Aubrey safely in custody. Of course Kensi had to break cover even after Callen told her not to, but it worked out in the end. I was pissed when Callen didn't trust me to take a shot in the nightclub that first night, but by the end of the case I'd shown him that I wasn't worthless or a hindrance to his team. I saved his life and when he gave me a look that seemed to say I did something wrong, I got in his face and told him he couldn't tell me I shouldn't have taken the second shot at Aubrey's home. After a moment he replied **"I'm glad you did."** Maybe I'm growing on him after all.

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Now Kensi, she's a tough nut to crack. She acts like she could care less about me, but I think she's interested, really interested. I keep catching her from the corner of my eye checking me out. And a looker, God, she's amazing. I can't keep from saying it over and over again. Here's a woman that is drop-dead gorgeous, with these absolutely amazing mismatched eyes, beautiful breasts, insanely long legs and beautiful hair. No matter what she's wearing, which is usually skin tight jeans, she's beautiful. She is a total bad-ass what with the beauty and the mad skills she has. I can tell she's a really strong-willed woman too. Really, what's not to like? She's my kind of woman. Man, am I in trouble!

By the end of our first case together I discovered she had these huge, thick reinforced concrete walls topped with razor wire erected around her heart. She didn't let anyone get inside them either, but I'm determined that I'll find a way. It might take a while, but I'll get past them to all the secrets, hurts and painful memories she's hiding. I'm hiding quite a few myself. Maybe that's why I recognized it so easily in her. Can someone be addicted to another person like others are addicted to drugs or alcohol? If so, I'm in trouble because I'm already addicted to her.

One afternoon after everything was over, I was laying on the hood of her car with my sunglasses on and my eyes closed while she waited for Aubrey outside of the hospital her step-dad was recovering in. While she was talking to Aubrey, I could see and hear the gulls coming in. Surfing was going to be great the next day but I wasn't going to be able to take advantage of it because Bates had called me about a case. When Kensi was done talking to Aubrey, she got us both some coffee then came over and put a latte on my forehead. She began the conversation by telling me to be on time for work the next day, but I said I didn't think I would be showing up for work then. I also let her know I wasn't going to be around for a while. An undercover operation I had been trying to get set up for months had finally come together that day and I had to report to LAPD to prepare to go undercover. I couldn't leave without trying to get one final shot in though, so I quipped. **"Don't worry, Fern. I'll be back."**

She couldn't leave it either and just had to have the last word **"Yeah, maybe."**

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By the time my undercover operation was over, I was a little the worse for wear but I would have been dead without the NCIS team. I was amazed when Callen walked into the meet so brazenly where I was getting the shit kicked out of me. By the end of the same day, Callen, Sam and Kensi had not only saved my life but they'd also had my back when I confronted Scarli.

I've rarely had that kind of backup before and to have it once again felt nice, really nice. Of course, they all continued to tease me but that wasn't anything new to me. Thinking about it, I was slowly coming to the realization it was just the way their little dysfunctional family worked. I hoped I could become part of that family, but I wasn't sure. My insecurities rear their ugly heads every so often and make me think that no one will ever want me around for long. Let's face it, I know I'm an acquired taste and haven't had that much luck with making friends in the department. I've never been sure if it's because I'm an undercover cop or it its because I've taken down some dirty cops in my time. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have friends, some in the department and some outside of it. I also have a few people I even consider family but the circle is a small one.

I've got to admit that it's hard to not let the teams' words hurt when they tease me because it sometimes makes me feel like I'm never going to find a home or fit in anywhere. I know I put on a good show of letting everything roll off my back like water off a duck, but their words wound sometimes. I keep my defenses up with my devastating wit, charming personality, quips, jokes and smart ass remarks. That way they don't know when they score a hit against my soul. I have to look strong like nothing bothers me, so I keep the 'bruises and blood' hidden. Another wonderful result of my crappy childhood I guess. They don't know about that though and I'm not planning on telling them about it either. I lived through it and I don't need or want to relive any part of it. And I don't need or want their pity if they do find out about it.

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	3. Chapter 3:Pulling and Pushing

I'm back with Chapter 3. Thanks so much to Hoosier65, RhondaLara, Loves to read books, Pamikae, and the two guest reviewers. You all inspire me with your kind words. Virtual hugs to all of you!

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me, and no matter what my minions come up with to try to make it mine, it never will. But as I've said before, I can always bring the characters out to play. I'll put them back in good shape, I promise!

Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show.

Reviews are always welcome. Leave a review on the way out and let me know what you think about this story. Feedback helps me more than you can possibly know.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 3: Pulling and Pushing

 **Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down**

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I don't have the greatest track record with women. Of course, I'm not the casanova many people think I am either. I don't have sex with every woman I meet or go out with, contrary to popular opinion. In fact, I've don't date half as much as some people think I do. One night stands don't usually interest me. I mean I've had my share, but ultimately they are unsatisfying and empty of emotion and just not worth it.

Women have always confused me; it must be true, that phrase 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'. But with Kensi it's at another level entirely. She completely and constantly confuses me, and that's a fact. In some ways I can read her like a book, but even then she confuses me. She's like this force of nature that affects everyone around her in ways large and small. She's…well, she's like a magnet that attracts me to her one second and then pushes me away the next, depending on her polarity. Or to put it another way; one minute, she's drawing me in like I'm a moth to her flame. It's like I can't help myself and circle around her getting ever closer and closer to the flame; I get so close I'm in danger of getting burned but I don't care. It will be worth it just to be close to her. The next minute, she's kicking me out and away from her and I don't have the slightest idea why. All I know is that I'm getting farther and farther away from the woman of my dreams. Maybe it's because she's afraid I'm getting too close and I might find out just how much she likes me. God I wish she would make up her mind! I want her so much; I have ever since the first moment I saw her. She's turned my life upside down and inside out and my head is spinning so much I feel like I'm going to land on my ass at any moment. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I wish I could tell her how much she means to me. My communication skills with her leave a lot to be desired. For crying out loud, I'm a lawyer, I'm used to using my communication skills at a very high level, but when I'm around her it's another thing entirely. I sometimes feel like a gauche teenage boy with pimples on his face trying to get up the courage to talk to the head cheerleader when I'm around her. Of course her communication skills aren't any better than mine, if the truth is known. God, aren't we a pair!

The more I work with Kensi and the more I get to know her, the more I'm convinced she has suffered a lot of pain and loss in her life. But worse than that, someone hurt her badly in the past. I can tell her heart has been badly broken at least once; maybe more. I know she has lost people in her life. I've heard about her Dad, Maci and Dom. I'm pretty sure there have been others but I'm not privy to who they might be. And I'm not stupid enough to come out and ask her baldly to tell me her secrets. She'd drop kick me so far and so hard I'd not only be singing soprano for the remainder of my life, but I'd never find my way back home. She's not called Bad-Ass Blye for nothing!

Either Sam or Callen, I can't remember who, mentioned an ex-boyfriend Jack, but I don't know much about him. And Kensi has never mentioned him to me but I'm sure there is a big story there. I'll bet that's why she doesn't go on second dates. Oh yeah, Sam and Callen filled me in about her first date only rules too. She doesn't want to get too close to anyone. I would love to find the bastard who broke her heart and make him pay for hurting my Kensi. If it's this Jack guy, I'd better never see him because I won't be responsible for what happens. Oops! Did I just say my Kensi…really? She's not mine…I wish she was though…I would never leave her. But what would she see in me anyway?…okay…we do have a 'thing' but I don't want to ruin our partnership by taking it too far, too fast. I just keep telling myself to be patient. And besides, what if I tell her how I feel and she laughs at me? I…I don't think I could take it if she laughed at me.

See, I told you I was already completely gone on her. I can't tell her that though because it would ruin everything. I know I keep repeating myself, but like I said before, she has these huge, reinforced walls around her heart to keep everyone out and I'm afraid if I let her know how I feel about her, she'll run away or laugh. I know I can find a way through those walls if I try hard enough. Come on! It's what I do, I'm a detective so I detect and I'm going to keep on detecting until I find a way in. I've already made some progress, and she's worth it. It might take me some time, hell years maybe, but I'm a patient man…and as I said, she's worth it. I just have to hope that when I finally do come clean with her about my feelings, I find out she feels the same way.

~,~,~

Kensi says she hates my nicknames for her, but I think she secretly loves them. I don't care anyway, I'm going to keep thinking up new ones. Let's see what have I called her so far; Kens, Kensalina, Fern which is my favorite by far; baby girl, wifey, sugarbear, sunshine, light of my life, and…oh yeah, wonder woman.

Kensi is a wonder woman. I remember I called her that when I was recovering in the hospital after I was shot in the convenience store. I was sure I was dead as I watched the shooter come up to me as I'm bleeding merrily away on the floor and aim his gun at me from point blank range to take the second shot. After that, it was lights out for me. I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital. I remember being surprised I woke up, and mumbled something about 'am I dead'. That's when I saw her, the woman that makes my life worth living. She looked like an angel and I wanted to cry when she said **"Hey there, you're not getting rid of me that easily."** You see, that's all she had to say and she was drawing me back into her light again.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't give her a hard time though so I pretended I didn't know who I was or who she was. It was funny until I could see she was really starting to worry about me so then I confessed that I really did remember her. She retorted with something about hitting me in all my bullet holes. I deserved that crack I guess, since I had been teasing her but I couldn't stop so told her I would have to tell Hetty just before the nurse came in to check on me.

When the nurse left, Kens asked me something about what it was with men and pretty nurses. I really wasn't feeling like my snarky self just then; I was in a lot of pain, but I was trying to hide just how much pain I was in, so I said something about what's not to like and sponge baths. I think I hurt her feelings, but I'm not sure. Of course then she had to push me away again, but the look on her face belied her actions. I think she was just trying to protect herself at that moment and I had it coming after making her think I really liked my nurse. I wasn't really sure though. Like I said, she confuses the hell out of me and that's the simple truth.

~,~,~

Kensi was really nice to me while I was in the hospital, even if she did keep eating my jello. We had to go over this list of all the people who might have a grudge against me. It was a pretty long list and it brought back some memories I would have as soon not thought about, including Sylvia Gray. Was that woman ever a psycho! Wat and Hank helped me get over her. They were and still are my best friends. Kensi got great fun out of teasing me about having to take out a restraining order on an ex-girlfriend but let me get away without giving her any details other than it was a bad breakup.

While we were working down the list of names, I found out she has her own comic book collection just like me when she mentioned that we had made progress on the list in a 'bizarro sort of way'. Sweeeet! I never thought a woman as hot as Kensi would be interested in comics. I mentioned my collection and she told me how hers used to be her father's. She got this wistful look on her face as she mentioned her dad. She must have loved him a lot and just by knowing Kensi, I knew he had to have been an awesome dad. I bet he made her feel like a princess every day. Now my dad...well he was awesome in a totally different way, he was awesomely monstrous and a drunk to boot.

Nell came in while I finished up the list and marked the two most likely names of candidates for my shooting. The third name I had in mind wasn't on the list because it was my father. Nell had a recording between Callen and our suspect and wanted to know if I recognized the voice. I didn't, but Kensi thought it might be Eastern European. The two names on my list weren't Eastern European. When Nell asked who the third suspect was because he wasn't on the list, I had to give them his name. I spit out 'Gordon John Brandel', and then admit I shot him when I was 11. I didn't mention to either one of them he was my father. I just gave them his name. Nell looked shocked as hell. I was so grateful when Kensi didn't pursue the subject any further though I could tell she was curious. I know she wanted to ask by the look on her face, and I would have told her if she had pushed but I'm so glad she didn't. I try never to even think about that man and I sure as hell didn't want to talk about him and what my childhood was really like.

Enough about that bastard. After Nell left, Kensi and I continued talking about the case and something struck me as odd. Why hadn't the shooter killed me when he had the chance? I mean he was no more than two feet away from me when he took the second shot. I should have been dead; not that I'm not glad I'm not dead, by the way; but I should have been. Anyway, while we were discussing that aspect of the shooting, she mentioned something about a small caliber gun. So I asked her **"Okay, so then why's he carrying a 22? It's a girl's gun."**

Of course, being Bad Ass Blye, she wasn't about to let that statement stand and came right back with **"I'm a girl."**

That's when I told her she wasn't really a girl, she was wonder woman. I think I said something like **"Well, you're not a real girl. You're like – you're like Wonder Woman. And Wonder Woman wouldn't carry a 22."** You get the picture don't you? Kensi has never been just a girl. What normal girl can pick almost any lock known to man, drinks beer with the best of them, belches like a sailor, loves to spend time in the wilderness, is a highly regarded sniper and can hot wire a Cessna for Christ's sake? Or half of everything else Kensi can do and do extremely well? Not to mention the exquisite aim she has for the male genitalia with either her foot or a gun. That woman has laser focus when it comes to how to incapacitate a man in 2 seconds or less! Kensi actually accepted that as a compliment and thanked me. Will wonders never cease!

~,~,~

Kensi almost never lets anyone see her feminine side. She can out fight, out think and out shoot most of the men around her. She can take down the biggest man without breaking a sweat. She thinks she's indestructible, which she isn't. She also hates admitting when she's hurt. She'll say she's fine even when she has broken bones. I found that out the hard way. I don't let her get away with that crap anymore. We've had words about it on more than one occasion.

I still haven't figured out how to stop her from charging into something recklessly though. As an example, I was talking to her and realized that I was the 'weak link' on the team. They had all had much more security training that me, so what if i wasn't the target, but the bait. What if I had been shot to draw the rest of the team into the open? the second I said that out loud, Kensi had to take matters into her own hands and call Eric to tell Sam and Callen they were being drawn into a trap. Here I am, still following my train of thought to its logical conclusion that she was the target, not the whole team, when what's Kensi done but already decided she had all the answers and bolted from the room to save Sam and Callen. God, what am I going to do with that woman? She's going to get herself killed one day by her reckless behavior.

I screamed her name as loud as I could as she ran from the room and felt something pop in my chest. God it hurt! But I knew if I didn't go after her, something bad was going to happen. I couldn't live with that thought so, stupid me, I ignored the pain, ripped out the IV and somehow got out of that bed, found and pulled on a pair of scrub pants then ran down three flights of stairs with my gun in my hand. I must have scared everyone who saw me, but at least no one tried to stop me. Thank God Callen had brought me my gun earlier. As I ran out the lobby door, I could see her fighting with three men. If I hadn't been scared out of my mind for her, I would have marveled at the sight in front of me. She had taken two of the men out and was holding her own against the third until he pointed a gun at her. I wasn't about to let her get shot, so I killed the SOB. If I do say so myself, it was great shooting.

Of course, then I had to go and ruin everything by collapsing against the wall of the hospital entry just as she turned around and saw me. I didn't mean to, really I didn't, but everything hurt so damned much! I couldn't breathe very well and was dizzy as hell. I was also bleeding from several places on my body. I suddenly realized I had caused some significant damage to myself by getting out of my hospital bed to save her. But you know what? I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because that's how much Kensi means to me. My IV site was dripping blood and there was dark red blood drenching the bandages around my chest and running in a line down from underneath them and staining the scrub pants I was wearing. I figured I had pulled out most of my stitches by pulling my little stunt. I didn't think that was the only damage I had done to myself though, because, like I said before, it hurt so much I could barely draw breath. Everything was becoming blurry, but suddenly my angel, my Kens, was there in front of me. I heard her say something about **"I have you"** and **"give me the gun"** but I was having trouble understanding what she was saying to me. I couldn't even keep from whimpering **"Oh, God it hurts."** before I spiraled down into the darkness awaiting me.

The next thing I was aware of was waking up in another hospital room that evening sporting new bandages and what were probably new stitches to find Hetty sitting beside me. Two good things came from my shooting. The first was Hetty becoming my official next of kin for medical issues and the like. I had been afraid to ask her but when I did ask who I should put down as next of kin, she said "Lange, Henrietta Lange." It felt good, very good. Why I had never asked Angela or Richard to be my next of kin baffled me. But this way, if I got hurt again, they wouldn't have to worry about me. They've done enough of that. The other good thing was Hetty telling me my old man was dead and he'd been dead for years by then. What I didn't understand was why I felt sad as well as glad. He was a monster so why was I mourning his loss? I still haven't figured that one out.

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	4. Chapter 4: Her Beautiful Mind

Disclaimer: NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me. But as I've said before, I can always bring the characters out to play. I'll put them back in good shape, I promise!

Anything in bold face type italics and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list here but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

Reviews are always welcome. If you are enjoying this story, especially this chapter, or even if you're not, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. I welcome your thoughts.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 4: Her Beautiful Mind

 **What's going on in that beautiful mind**

 **~,~,~**

I can usually read Kensi like a book. When it comes to work or how she is feeling, it's pretty much all the time which is good because otherwise, we both would have died several times over. But there are times away from work when that beautiful mind is completely closed off to me. Those are the times she has a look on her face that mystifies me and I can't tell what she's thinking. I wish I knew what memories she's reliving when that happens. At those times, she looks sad or frightened; or even worse, resigned to her fate somehow.

When she looks sad, I think she's remembering who broke her heart. When she looks afraid, I think it's because she thinks I'll leave her like all the other men in her life have done. She actually begged me to promise to not get myself killed and leave her. I did, though that isn't really something I can control. I'll do my damnedest not to die on her though. I told her I would never willingly leave her. It's the best I can do.

It's the 'resigned to her fate' look I hate the most because it makes me think that I'll never get through to her. That I'll never be able to show her just how much I love her and that I will never convince her that I will never willingly leave her. But I'll keep trying for as long as it takes to make her believe it.

I thank God every day that Hetty made me her partner; even on those days I'm not sure I believe in God. Kens can sometimes be so reckless without regard for her own safety that I've made it my job as her partner to make sure she's okay. I've come to the conclusion that it is one of the reasons Hetty recruited me. Kens and I make a great team, an awesome team. That doesn't mean I've stopped being my wise-ass self. She would know something is wrong if I change the way I act around her so I continue giving her nicknames, taking innocent remarks she makes and convincing her I'm having lewd thoughts about what she said by raising an eyebrow or throwing quips and smart-ass comments her way on a regular basis. Besides, it's just so much fun!

I can get a rise out of her by giving her a smirk, a look and then saying something like "Kensalina, if you need help with your date, I can…". She gets this look of sheer terror on her face that I'm going to say something lewd or figure out how much she enjoys my banter. She will respond with a variation of the words "In your dreams Deeks." or "You're so weird." She oftentimes then punches me. My shoulder is her favorite target and I let her think it hurts a lot more than it does when she hits me. One time she hit me with a laser knife. Now that hurt like a bitch!

Like I said before she drives me crazy on a regular basis because she just doesn't know when to quit or how to accept help. I know she's never done any deep undercover work but with short-term covers, she's amazing. Since she's the only woman on the team, she's usually the one used as a honey-trap or a distraction when we're trying to get close to some scum bag. I hate it when she has to do that. It makes my skin crawl to see some low-life pawing at her so I can't imagine how it makes her feel. I know she can take care of herself, but she shouldn't have to put up with that nonsense. But it's her job and she does it well.

Hetty sends her to wardrobe for the clothes needed to become her cover. When she finally re-appears she dazzles me and makes my head spin. She is an absolutely stunning woman. I know I've said that before but it's worth repeating. It isn't because she's hot, which she is. It's more than that, so much more. I find her to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 'Hot' doesn't cover the totality of Kensi Blye. Her mismatched eyes are a wonder and usually full of mischief. When she's angry, they smolder like a fire that has burned down to glowing coals. When she laughs she has this adorable cackle which makes me smile every time I hear it or even think about it. It's my favorite sound in the whole world.

When Hetty puts her in heels, her legs look like they go on forever. And her mind; well she's one of the smartest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She can do so many things so well and that takes a great mind. Let's not talk about her cooking skills though. She must have been hiding the day those skills were passed out is all I can say. It's a good thing I can cook, or she would live on junk food or starve. At least she's let me cook for her.

What can I say. I'm totally stuck, smitten, whatever you want to call it, with her.

~,~,~

She's all woman with a figure that any woman would envy but how she keeps that figure is a mystery for the ages. I have never seen a woman eat as much as she does. She's very vocal when she eats too, letting out moans of pleasure while stuffing her face. She's addicted to junk food, preferably junk food with a high sugar content. Kensi Blye without her sugar fix is a disaster waiting to happen. I know when she needs sugar and what she's craving. I try to bring her donuts every morning and I keep a secret stash with all of her favorite junk food in one of the empty lockers by the bullpen. I value my life, thank you very much.

One time when I had to be at the LAPD for a briefing, Sam and Callen were caught unprepared for the tornado that is Kensi when she needs some sugar. You would think they would know how to handle her by now. I mean, come on! They've known her a lot longer than I have, but I guess they don't pay as much attention to her as I do or else they've forgotten since I've been around.

I must have received 30 texts from the guys begging for my help with Kensi in the four hours I was gone. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in OSP that day. It sounded like she had already terrorized them before Sam texted me the first time. I wasn't able to respond to the texts since I was in a meeting with Lt. Bates, but as soon as I got a break, I read them and each one was more pathetic than the previous one. Every one of them sounded like both men where cowering before the almighty Tornado Kensi and in fear of their lives.

I took pity on them, really I did; hey, us guys have to stick together you know, the bro code and all. I texted them to get some Kitkats out of my secret stash when she wasn't looking and put them in front of her. I don't want her to know where I hide her treats. She'll eat them all within a day and I don't want to have a diabetic partner on my hands. Besides I couldn't afford it if she knew where my stash was and I had to replace it on a daily basis.

~,~,~

When I got back to the office, both Sam and Callen looked like they had been rode hard and put away wet. I stood there in the bullpen grinning at them without saying a word then raised my eyebrows. Before I could get a word out Sam sighed and pointed "She's on the shooting range practicing castration on the targets. For a minute I thought she was going to castrate us!"

Callen broke in "How do you handle her on a daily basis?"

All I could do was shake my head at them. "You two big macho men…well Callen, you're a medium macho man anyway; and you're both so afraid of Kens who has got to weigh all of about 130 pounds? Really? Between the two of you, you must have 200 pounds on her and you couldn't handle her for four hours? Seriously?" By this time, I'm trying really hard not to laugh in their faces. "And you two don't know what she's like when she needs sugar, honestly? You've known her a lot longer than I have. What don't you know about her eating habits by now? Didn't the Kitkats work?"

"Yeah, they worked, but then she was mad because we wouldn't give her the whole box. I mean isn't three Kitkats a day enough?" Sam was holding his head in his hands like he had the world's worst headache.

I couldn't help myself then. I busted up laughing at them. "Hell no three isn't enough, she eats that many before breakfast most mornings. It's a good thing I'm here now and know how to keep her satisfied." I wiggled my eyebrows at them, put a shit-eating grin on my face and was shaking my head in disbelief as I continued "How did you two ever handle her before I came along?"

"Carefully man, very carefully" Callen interjected. "She is seriously scary when she needs a sugar fix. I just…I guess I had forgotten about how mad she can get when she's sugar deprived until now."

"Well, I'll go see how she's doing. Maybe I can calm her down before you two big babies have to see her again." Man I was having fun with those two. I began walking toward the range as both Callen and Sam stared at me in disbelief.

"You're actually going to go into the same room with Kensi when she has a gun, and she's mad as a wet hen?" Sam had an incredulous look on his face as he continued. "You're braver than I ever gave you credit for. Either that or you're dumber than I thought. It's been nice knowing you." His eyes were huge as he watched me walk away.

"Haha, Sam. Nice one" I retorted as I kept walking.

As I approached the door to the range, I heard Hetty state "Maybe, he just knows his partner better than you think he does, Mr. Hanna." I started chuckling as I heard Sam sputter and ask how she was always able to sneak up on them. I've wondered that myself on many occasions, but I had something more important to do at the moment.

~,~,~

Before I actually walked into the shooting range, I watched as Kensi demolished another paper target. The guys were right. She was aiming for the nom de plumes as she finished up with each target. She was hitting them right where she wanted to as well. Of course, I would have been surprised if she had missed.

I walked into the shooting range and got her attention before asking "Hey Sugarbear, what are you doing in here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing Deeks? Playing 'Tiddledy Winks'?" Ooh, yeah, she's was beyond pissed at the moment.

"It looks like you're thinking about unmanning Callen and Sam. I just had the pleasure of talking to them and they still aren't over this morning. You really scared them."

"Good. They were being mean to me, Deeks. They wouldn't give me any more Kitkats and I know there were more in the box. They're lucky I came in here instead of shooting them." She thought about it for a minute and then continued "Hetty wouldn't have been happy if I shot one of them either."

"I have a treat for you. Do you want it?"

She whipped her head around at the word 'treat'. Seeing the peanut butter cups in my hand, a huge smile lit up her face. She set her gun down and went to grab them from me, but I held them above my head where she couldn't reach.

"Deeks, come on, give them to me." came out with a growl.

"Now wait just a second Kens; I'll give you your treat when you tell me what has you so upset. I know it's not Sam and Callen, so what's really bothering you."

"You told…you…I'm not…you know what, I don't want to talk about it."

"Kensalina…come on, tell Uncle Marty why you're castrating those targets." I gave her a leer as I called myself 'Uncle Marty'. "You know you want your treat so tell me what's wrong." So sue me because I was teasing her. It's our banter, it's what we do. "Did you miss me? Is that why you're upset? It is, isn't it? You just can't get enough of me. Come on admit it, you think I'm awesome!"

"You are such a perv! I didn't miss you Deeks. Not at all. And…and you're okay I guess, but I wouldn't call you awesome. You get on my last nerve on a regular basis." I could tell she was struggling to say something else and it broke my heart that she could be so scared about opening up to me. I just stood there in front of her looking deep into her eyes and trying to convey the fact she could trust me. She finally continued "I…I…I was just worried when you were gone for so long. I thought you had to go undercover again."

"Come here." I pulled her into my arms and tucked her head under my chin as I apologized. "Kens, I'm sorry I worried you." I then handed her the peanut butter cups. "I would have told you right away if I had to go undercover. I promised you after the last time it happened and I was ordered not to tell you that I wouldn't do it again. I'd rather be fired than lie to you." I bent down and tilted her head up so I could look into her gorgeous polychrome eyes and gave her a smile. I so wanted to kiss her right then, but I didn't know what she would do and I valued my life; so I just tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear "I'm okay, really…no undercover assignment, just reporting to my LAPD boss."

Her head went down as she began opening the package. I could see a small smile begin to form as she smelled the chocolate. "I know" she whispered w "but I still worry." Stuffing the entire peanut butter cup into her mouth, she closed her eyes while giving a low moan of pleasure. I love the way she is so vocal when she eats something she loves. It's more sassy than classy, but that's Kensi and I love her just the way she is.

Yep, I've finally admitted to myself that I love her. I haven't told her yet though. I don't want to ruin our 'thing'. And, I don't want her running away in fear. I guess I don't know how to get the words to come out of my mouth the right way either. Both of us have that in common though. We have trouble communicating our feelings. Besides, what if she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her? Why would she, anyway? I'm nothing special, I'm just a cop. I'm a damn good cop, but I'm not even a federal agent. I'm not sure what she sees in me, but sometimes when she looks at me, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I guess I'm just a coward.

After she demolished the first cup, she looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes "Thanks Shaggy, I needed this."

"Any time sweetums, any time." I couldn't resist throwing out a new nickname for her and was rewarded with a snort.

"Sweetums? Who calls someone sweetums? You're so weird Deeks!" She was laughing now and I knew she was feeling better about everything. It made me happy that I was the one able to make her laugh.

"So did you really have to terrorize Callen and Sam?" I was shaking my head at her. "You know they texted me about 30 times while I was meeting with Bates? They were begging me to do something about you."

"They didn't do that… did they? Come on, I wasn't that bad." Kensi rolled her eyes as she thought about what she had been like. Then she got this look like she was going to have loads of fun teasing them about being afraid of her. I couldn't wait to sit back and watch. This was going to be fun! "What are you planning Kiki? You have that look in your eyes like you're planning something."

"That's because I am. Want to help?" When I nodded yes, she continued. "Come on partner. Let's go see the guys." Kensi grabbed my arm and began hauling me out of the target range.

"Aren't you going to clean your gun first?" I teased her. Bad Ass Blye would never leave her gun without cleaning it." I snickered "Besides I want to be there for a ring-side seat before you start in on the guys. Let me get back and get settled in before you light into them."

"Okay, but you better hurry, because I'll be there in about five minutes, Deeks." Kensi went to the armory while I went back to my desk and prepared myself for the upcoming fire works.

~,~,~

Sam and Callen looked up as they heard me coming with questioning looks on their faces. "You can relax guys. I've talked her down from the ledge. She's not going to hurt you." I said laughing as I sat down.

"Very funny Deeks" Sam groused. "We weren't scared, were we G? We were just worried about her."

"Really? Because I didn't get the feeling you were worried about her from the 30, count them 30, texts, I got from you two while I was with Bates. I mean, who does that? Oh, let me guess, obviously you two. There was begging involved guys, seriously, begging!"

"You're delusional Deeks." Callen backed up Sam like I knew he would. They were partners after all.

I just leaned back in my chair, put my hands behind my head and looked at them smirking. I could hear Kensi getting closer and could tell the minute Sam caught sight of her. He got very interested in the report on his desk as soon as she appeared. Callen grabbed his phone like he was going to call someone. I don't know who they thought they were kidding with their little act. Oh man, was this going to be good.

Kensi walked up to her desk and stood there glaring across at both of them until they looked up at her like naughty little boys caught doing something they weren't supposed to. "So," she began. "I hear you two were texting Deeks about me while he was with Bates. Care to elaborate?"

Callen looked up at Kensi "I don't know what you're talking about, Kens. We've been working the whole time he was gone."

I couldn't believe Callen was going to play dumb! Giving him another smirk, I just handed Kensi my phone so she could see the texts as Callen gave me a dirty look.

Kensi's eyes lit up as she proceeded to quote from the texts while both Callen and Sam started blushing. I just sat back and enjoyed the show. She finally took pity on them and handed my phone back. She then sat down and we all got back to work.

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	5. Chapter 5: You Make Me Dizzy

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me.

Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list here but they are from most of the seasons of the show. Anything in italics represents thoughts. My minions are over the moon with all the views this story has received. They're currently dancing around the living room shaking their tushes, the pervs.

Hit that little button and leave a review on the way out and let me know what you thought of this chapter. The more reviews I get, the faster I get the chapters ready to post.

Enjoy.

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CHAPTER 5: You Make Me Dizzy

 **I'm on your magical mystery ride**

 **And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright**

~,~,~

Kensi drives me crazy! Have I mentioned that before…yeah, I'm pretty sure I have…probably more than once or twice. Can't she at least think about playing it safe sometimes? I swear she's going to be the death of me one day, if not by way of scaring me to death with her recklessness then by my taking a bullet for her protecting her 'assets'. Of course, I'd take a bullet for her any day of the week, but I'd rather live and get to be with her. I'm trying to get her to act a little less reckless, but that's about as easy as getting her to quit eating sugar. We all know what Kensi is like when she's sugar deprived, now don't we. It isn't a pretty sight, let me tell you.

One of the first times I thought she was killed it was the Stan King case. She was undercover as a thief and was at his house when he got everyone together and then blew up his own house! At the time, the guys and I didn't know she had thrown her into the pool with him so they wouldn't get hurt. My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what I was going to do until we found out she was okay.

Then at the end of the case when we were taking King down he got the drop on her and threatened to kill her if we didn't let him go. Kensi's standing there yelling **"Okay, will one of you shoot this guy?!"** He actually hit her in the jaw! I saw red at that point and as soon as I saw my chance I clocked the guy as hard as I could for hitting my partner. I think my comment to that bastard was **"You see that right there? That's for hitting my partner."** Of course I hurt my hand doing it. And Kensi was sporting a nice bruise along her jaw along with the pain.

Sam and Callen went out for dinner but Kensi just wanted to go home. She wasn't up for chewing any kind of food. I made a crack about spending quality time with my 'slanket'. Once I got home, I decided to check on my partner to make sure she was really okay. I grabbed a burger for me and a smoothie for Kensi along with some beer and showed up at her door without letting her know. I wasn't sure she was going to let me in but would wonders never cease…she invited me in but wanted to know why I was there. I let her know I had dinner.

We ended up sitting on her couch watching an episode of 'Top Model' and enjoying each other's company. She opened the beers for me since my hand wasn't working well at the moment. I absolutely loved it when she belched after taking a big drink of beer. Sweeet! Sassy, not classy; that's definitely Kensi!

~,~,~

A little later on in our partnership she got hit by a car but did it stop her or even slow her down? You have got to be kidding me…or delusional, really! Of course she didn't let it stop her…she ignored it, rolling over the hood, hitting the pavement and then getting up to keep chasing after the bad guy. Once she caught up with him and cuffed him, I told her I was taking her to the hospital to get checked out. Would she listen to me? Really now, seriously? If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. Come on, when does Kensi ever listen to me about something like that? She threatened to hit me if I tried making her go.

She used her standard phrase "I'm fine" to persuade me nothing was wrong…which I knew wasn't true…so I played dirty and called Hetty. As soon as she heard me say hello to Hetty, she punched me in the shoulder and gave me her death glare. I almost put my hands in front of my groin as a reflex, that's how scary she can be. It turned out okay though because Hetty was in OPS and had seen Kensi get hit on traffic cams. She asked to speak to 'Miss Blye' so I handed Kens the phone knowing Hetty would order her to get checked out. As I watched her listening to what Hetty had to say she began giving me a very dirty look. Ooh, was she mad at me! You would have thought I had betrayed her or something instead of wanting to make sure she was okay.

Once she was off the phone I interjected: "Kens, you have to get checked out. Hetty's orders." I then smirked at her.

"You're so going to pay for this Deeks. Just wait until I get you alone." she replied. Was that a perfect straight line she just handed me or what? She doesn't hand me straight lines like that very often! I just grinned at her as thoughts of how she could pay me played out in my mind. I'm sure they showed on my face too. When I raised an eyebrow and kept grinning, she started stammering "Shut up Deeks! That's…that's not what I…what I meant and you know it."

"I didn't say anything…anything at all, Kens." I continued grinning at her until she punched me. "Ow! Damn, you pack a mean punch woman. What did I do this time to deserve your abuse?"

"You…you know what…you…oh never mind. You have a dirty mind Deeks, you perv. You're going to be a dirty old man one day, I just know it. All the little girls are going to be pointing at you and whispering."

"No they won't because I don't want to be anyones dirty old man unless it's your dirty old man. Besides, I'm not the one having naughty thoughts here Kiki, you are. I didn't say anything. You're the one that needs to get her mind out of the gutter, seriously. Come on, let's get this over with." She snorted at my statement and muttered 'pervert' again as I pulled her into my side and walked her to the car for the trip to the Emergency room.

Thank God it turned out she just had a couple of cracked ribs and some deep muscle bruising. She didn't even have to stay overnight. She thinks she's indestructible and can do all these crazy things without risking her life. I'd follow Kensi to the ends of the earth, even when I don't have the faintest clue of where we're going or what we're doing. I get so dizzy just thinking about her that I don't know which way is up. All I know is it's my job to protect her and I will do anything it takes to make sure she's okay. Like I said before, I'd rather take a bullet than to see her hurt or upset.

After we finished up at the hospital, I took her to my apartment for a massage. When I told her to get on my bed and take her blouse off, she gave me another dirty look, retorting "In your dreams Deeks! I'm not taking my clothes off for you."

Another straight line to die for. "For the massage Kens, for the massage. What did you think I meant?"

"Oh…oh, that's okay then" she looked embarrassed as I took her hand and led her into my bedroom so that I could give her the massage. You would think I was going to torture her by the protesting she was doing about it. I finally convinced her I didn't have anything underhanded planned.

"What do you know about massage anyway?"

"I had an undercover gig as a masseur while at the LAPD." I replied. "I was a huge success with the ladies, I'll have you know. They couldn't get enough of 'Ken'." I quit there with a smirk on my face.

"You a masseur? I'll bet you hit on all the women there, didn't you?" she snickered.

"I was a perfect gentleman, I'll have you know. I'm not the one with their mind in the gutter." Come on, take it off" I said pointing at her shirt.

"What! I'm not taking my shirt off so you can get some kind of weird thrill seeing me in my bra."

"For the massage Kens, the massage." I repeated. "And by the way, I've seen you in less than a bra and panties before you know. I'm sure I can control myself."

"Yeah, right." She gave me a dirty look but she took her shirt off and lay down on my bed. I started the massage and by the small moans and whimpers coming from her, I knew I was hitting all the spots that needed work. I was as gentle as I could be and still do her some good. By the time I was done, she was asleep. I sat there for the longest time watching her sleep. She looked like she belonged in my bed. I don't know what hit me when I saw her sprawled out asleep with her hair spread out on my pillows, but whatever it was, I wanted more, so much more. Seeing her there, in my bed, in my apartment was just the most perfect thing I've seen in a long time. My woman (though she still wouldn't admit it) in my bed caused certain areas of my body to react and my breathing to increase while my heart started racing so I carefully moved off the bed and stood up. I stood there staring until I finally recovered my senses enough to cover her with a throw and tiptoe out of the room before I lost control.

I knew she would be sleeping for a while, so I ordered pizza and relaxed on my sofa until the delivery man arrived. I paid him, got some plates, a couple of beers out of the refrigerator, her pain meds and set everything up on my coffee table. I was starting for the bedroom to wake her up when she appeared in the doorway, half asleep but mumbling about being hungry "I smell pizza" she said as she stumbled into the room. I grabbed her around the waist before she fell on her ass and led her to the sofa. I thought for sure, I'd get punched for that but she just gave me a shy smile and grabbed a slice. "Thanks Deeks, the massage was wonderful. I can't believe I fell asleep but it really helped."

"You're welcome Princess. Now let's get you fed before you starve to death and get some pain meds in you before you start feeling those cracked ribs and bruises. You want to watch something on TV?" I didn't want her to leave, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. God, I felt like a 16-year old in love with the most beautiful girl in school and sounded like one too as I thought _"Way to go Marty, what great communications skills you have! You had the woman of your dreams in your bed and now she's right beside you and you're doing nothing about it! Just go for it."_ Of course, my common sense, or is it my insecurities?, prevailed and I continued to sit there enjoying her company and a cheesy reality show on TV. She snuggled into my side and it was all I could do not to grab her and kiss her senseless!

We ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up the next morning she was laying down with her head in my lap and I had a crook in my neck from sleeping half upright all night but it was worth it just seeing her there bathed in the early morning light.

~,~,~

Being Kensi's partner is like being on a magical mystery ride. There are so many facets to her personality that I could spend the rest of my life getting to know her and she would still be able to surprise me. I will never be bored around her, that's for sure. Like I've said many times, I just wish she wouldn't take so many chances with her life. One of these days, it's gonna backfire on her and I won't be able to take that. It will end me; just end me completely if anything ever happens to her.

It's like, well…let me tell you what it's like. When she let those Russians take her from me, I wanted to scream my frustration at her for putting herself in that situation. I tried to get them to take me in her place, making it seem like she wasn't important by saying **"She's not even an agent"** and **"…too pretty for her own good."** but she wouldn't let me do it. She just looked me in the eyes and said **"It's okay. You'll get me back."** Wow, no pressure in those words. On the one hand, knowing she finally trusted me that much was wonderful, but on the other hand, I didn't want her in that position in the first place.

The next time I saw her was when we were all in OPS and she appeared on the video feed standing absolutely still in what looked like an empty room. None of us could tell what the hell she was doing just standing there and why she wasn't trying to escape. We were all standing there trying to figure out what she was doing when I finally realized **"She's waiting for us."** Damn me, why did I let them take her?

The three of us guys along with Nell and Eric worked the case as hard as we could. When we were ready to take the bad guys down, I was in charge of making sure Kensi got to safety, while Callen and Sam took care of the other portion of the mission. When I was finally told where she was, I sprinted for the room she was in and yelled out to her, but she told me to stop and to turn off the lights. What in the hell was she thinking?

Once the lights were off, I realized that there were laser triggers pointing all over the room. Kensi was right in the middle of a net of them. If she so much as broke a single beam, she would have been blown up. I wanted to call the bomb squad but she nixed that idea. I almost came unglued when she told me she couldn't continue standing there. I could see her legs shaking and suddenly had this horrible image in my head of her falling and everything exploding.

I finally came up with a plan to use the laser sight from my gun to reflect each laser's light back at itself while Kensi slowly moved past each beam. As scared as I was, I was in awe as I watched her move her body sinuously to get past each beam. I was just beginning to think she would make it when my sight wouldn't reach the last beam. What the hell were we going to do now? God must have been watching over us with all of his angels because somehow we got out of that room together. We didn't even end up with too much damage when everything blew sky high. I made sure she landed on me when we hit the ground even though my head connected with the concrete giving me a hell of a headache.

I asked her if she was okay and she said yes but that she had to pee. God she gives me the best straight lines. I couldn't resist the quip I came up with **"I think I just did."** I said with a shit-eating grin on my face. The look on Kensi's face was priceless!

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	6. Chapter 6: Crazy?

I know, I know NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me. My minions and I are well aware of that fact.

I've brought the characters out to play but will put them back in good condition when I'm done with them.

Hit the button on the way out and leave me a review to let me know if you are enjoying this story and this chapter, or even if you're not.

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CHAPTER 6: Crazy?

 **My head's under water**

 **But I'm breathing fine**

 **You're crazy and I'm out of my mind**

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I know, I know, I'm repeating myself again. But just when I think I have Kensi figured out, she does something that confuses me all over again. I will never understand women, especially Kensi. It must really be true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, because they're a complete mystery to me! There we were watching Michelle come onto Siderov from the top of a hill and when I mentioned something about not telling Sam we saw her kissing Siderov, Kensi just shrugs it off saying Michelle was just protecting her cover as part of the job. When I point out to her that it's exactly what I had to do with Monica, she gets mad at me! All I said was **"Kinda like me when I was undercover with Monica."**

And the green eyed monster promptly showed up. Kensi had the nerve to retort **"Undercover or under the covers?"**

I think she's jealous, in fact I know she's jealous, I really do. She just can't face that fact so she gets made at me. Anyway, we ended up arguing and she stalks away toward her motorcycle all the while grumbling how I never say what I mean and something about it's like working with a teenager.

I'm a pretty laid back guy but sometimes, I go ballistic just like every other guy in the world. When Kensi mentioned working with a teenager, that's all it took. I lost my cool completely; I was going to show her just what I thought about her. We'd both been dancing around our feelings for far too long and I'd finally had enough. I started after her because I wasn't about to let her get away from me without some kind of resolution. I didn't think, I just followed my heart. I caught up with her as she began to climb on her bike and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. I could tell she was shocked…and pleased…and surprised. She just kind of lay there in my arms staring up at me.

I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth right after I kissed her. **"How's that for communication?"** Had I just made a fatal mistake? Was Kensi going to run away like she always did when I got too close? God, I hope not. I'm tired, so tired, of not being able to be honest with her about my feelings. I love her, I've loved her since the first time I saw her in that gym, but it seems like the fates continue to conspire against us. Every time we get closer, something happens to pull us apart again.

I can't say Kensi actually ran away from me and what had just happened between us, but she did say something about having to stay with Michelle and took off. And yes, we were in the middle of a case and we couldn't just blow off our jobs, but it would have been nice if she had said something about the kiss before she left. She didn't say anything about it but at least she didn't hit me either. That totally knocked me for a loop. Did she like it, hate it, what? Was she going to kill me when she got back or was she finally going to admit that we have something between us? I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I mean, I finally get up my courage and kiss her with everything I have in me and then she leaves to stay with Michelle and I have to stay and back up Sam. And this is after Sam has told me in so many words that he doesn't trust me. I've done everything I've been asked and he still doesn't trust me!

We had words about it a day earlier in fact. We had been staking out the hotel we thought Siderov was staying in. Sam and I were in the park pretending to play chess. He wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that we were partners for the stakeout. That's how much he didn't trust or respect me. I finally got in his face and stated. **"You know what, man? I've done this job for a few years now. Some would say- Hetty, for example- exemplary. Always had everybody's back."**

Sam didn't care and asked me what my point was. My point was that I could take his crap any day of the week but I was curious about why he felt the way he did about me. I thought I had proven myself on more than one occasion. His answer threw me for a loop.

" **I'm Navy, straight up. Everything you do is different. The way you dress, your jokes. Your hair."**

I couldn't believe he didn't trust me because of my haircut. How ridiculous is that? Anyway, by the time we finished talking I realized that Sam didn't think I was a person worthy of his respect. He didn't trust me to have his or anyone else's back even though I had shown him time and time again that I would die for any one of them.

What really hurt is that no one, not Michelle, and not Hetty who I know was listening in from OPS, defended my character. It made me question my place on the team. If this was what they all felt about me, maybe it was time to walk away from NCIS and go back to what I know I'm good at, undercover police work.

~,~,~

Anyway, after Kensi left, I stayed there on that hill and watched Sam's back. I saved his life when he was shoved in the pool when his cover was blown. He would have drowned if I hadn't got him out of that pool and performed CPR on him. Of course that blew my cover completely though I continually denied with everything in me that I was anything other than an undercover cop who just happened to see what was going down and was only doing my duty. One thing led to another and I ended up in a chair having unplanned dentistry performed on my teeth while Sam was in another room being electrocuted.

Will someone explain to me why everyone thinks I'm the weak one? Sam doesn't trust me and Siderov said the same thing just before the unnecessary dentistry. I have never felt such pain or felt so helpless before. Having that monster, Siderov, holding me by my hair so I couldn't move my head while his minion forced this contraption into my mouth so that I couldn't close it and then drilled my teeth into smithereens was hell on earth. I could feel the drill getting warmer the longer it was in my mouth. I wanted to pass out from the pain, but no such luck. As soon as one tooth was gone, his minion began on the next. I was choking on all the blood and tooth fragments and he was enjoying it. He was feeling every bite of the drill through his hands in my hair, and I could do nothing, nothing! Every other time I've been in what looked like a hopeless situation, I've at least thought I would be able to die like a man. This time, I couldn't do anything but scream and cry it hurt so much. He kept asking if 'Quin' was an agent between sessions with the drill and I kept denying it. I wasn't going to give Sam or Siderov the satisfaction of seeing me break. I'd die first. Life is sure a bitch! I kept thinking of Kensi and the kiss to stay strong.

The next time I saw Kensi, I was in bad shape from the dental torture. When she first appeared in front of me, I thought I was saved and that she would get me out of that chair and out of that garage. What a fool I was. She wasn't there to rescue me; she was there with Granger to tell both Sam and me we had to stay there to protect Michelle's cover. Then they left us there. I was covered in blood, tooth fragments and barely conscious, and all I could think was: she…left…me.

I told Kensi the truth later when I said she was the only thing that got me through the torture. But I couldn't stop thinking about her leaving me in that chair to face more torture when they found Sam and me in that auto shop the first time. She had told me we had to protect Michelle's cover and they would be back. I know she didn't want to leave me, I could see it in her eyes and I knew they had a plan to rescue us because she tried to explain it to me, but all I could think was _"She's. Leaving. Me. Here! She's leaving me!"_ I needed her to get me out of there; I begged her to get me out of that chair, but Granger had other plans and she had to follow his lead.

I was covered in my own blood and bits of broken teeth. Hell, I think I might have even pissed myself a little bit. I was a mess but I had to hold it together so Michelle could stay undercover with Siderov by shooting Sam and me. I did it. I don't know how, but I did what was asked of me. I did everything everyone asked of me.

When they finally came back for us, Sam repeatedly asked me if I gave up Michelle. I told him I didn't, but I wasn't sure if he really believed me. They finally got us out of there and to the hospital, but then Granger made Kensi leave me again! I know I couldn't look her in the eyes, I only glanced at her once and then looked away, but I was in so much pain and so messed up. I don't know why, but it looked to me like everyone was convinced I was the weak one and I was humiliated by that thought and the shape I was in, not counting the fact that I felt like I might explode into a thousand pieces at any minute. I wanted everyone to just leave me the hell alone! I wanted to lick my wounds in private like always.

Even as messed up as I was after the events of that day, I somehow got out of that hospital bed to help Sam save Michelle again when he asked me. I couldn't let their kids lose their mother, I couldn't. I knew what that felt like and wouldn't let anyone else experience that agony if I could help it. Kensi asked me if I was okay and I said something about being good. I don't remember, really. I remember packing up some of my stuff in the Mission later, when Kensi came up to me and I confessed that she was the only thing that got me through all the pain. She looked like she wanted to say something but as usual, the fates were against us and we were interrupted by Sam and Callen.

~,~,~

I still can't believe Sam thought it was appropriate to give me a pair of joke teeth. Who does that? What the hell was he thinking? He knew what Siderov had done to me. I had even confessed to him that I didn't know if I could remain a cop. Yeah, he told me I was a great cop and apologized to me for doubting me, but then he goes and gives me joke teeth! I played it off as well as possible, but it made me feel like I was right back in that chair with Siderov holding my head and pieces of my teeth spraying from my mouth as the drill was whining in my ears. It pissed me off. He was acting like nothing much had happened when we had both just been tortured. He thought laughing about it would make everything better? Maybe its because he's a big bad Seal, but I think he was in denial. It's not just a river in Egypt you know.

After I was patched up I dug myself a hole and retreated into it. I shut everyone around me out. I was the one who wanted to run and get away from everything and everyone. It took me months to get myself back together. I wasn't sleeping and though I did everything I could think of, nightmares came all the time and would bring me out of sleep screaming. I thought I was going crazy. I really think I was actually out of my mind for a while. I ignored everyone who tried to help me, including Kensi. I couldn't face them. In my mind, I had proven to them that I was the weak link in the group and they were better off without me. Like I said, I was out of my mind.

I was convinced they thought I was damaged and useless because of what I went through. I didn't want to see the disappointment in their eyes when they looked at me. Every traumatic experience I've endured since my childhood, and let me tell you there have been more than a few, they were all mixed up together in my mind along with normal everyday memories. It was like I was in the middle of a whirlpool and all of my memories were swirling around me. Random memories would be thrown out of the water every so often and explode into my mind. My head kept going under the water and I felt like I was drowning but I couldn't see any way out. I couldn't make the memories or the nightmares stop. I felt like I was on this roller coaster ride from hell and no matter what I did, I couldn't make it stop and I couldn't get off.

Hetty about scared me to death when she appeared from behind my curtains in my living room. She's like a creepy ninja who can teleport. I have no idea how she got in but she said a lot of things, one of which was that she needed a decision soon on whether or not I was coming back.

She wanted me to see Nate of course. When I finally talked to him, it was at the beach. I had tried to meet him at the boathouse like I promised when he called. Hell, I even got to the door but I couldn't turn the handle and walk into that room, I just couldn't, so I turned around and starting walking. Before I knew it I was at the beach, sitting in the sand and watching the ocean. I've always found peace at the beach or in the ocean and I guess I was hoping I would find it that day. I sat there but nothing changed. I couldn't hear myself think around everything else going on in my mind.

That's where Nate found me when he came looking. I hadn't been surfing in, well I don't know how long it had been. Before Siderov, that's for sure. I knew Hetty had sent him to see if I was fit to come back to NCIS but when he told me that he was there to make sure I was in the best place possible for me, it finally dawned on me that he might be able to help. I confessed my fears, at least some of them, to him and the things he said helped; a lot. I got defensive when he asked me what was unique about my partnership with Kens because I couldn't answer the question. I think I was afraid to. One of the things he said to me then made me think about the two of us and helped put some things in perspective after a while. He said when I could answer the question of what made our partnership unique, honestly, to myself, it would make everything that happened to me a lot clearer.

~,~,~

Kensi had been calling me along with Sam and others, but I kept ignoring her. The evening after Nate and I talked, Kensi showed up at my door and knocked. I was laying on the couch thinking about everything Nate and I had discussed. My apartment was a mess because I hadn't felt like doing much of anything except laying on that couch for weeks. I called out that I was coming, but when I saw her through the peephole, I wasn't sure I could face her. But I couldn't keep ignoring her so I opened the door and tried to act nonchalant. We both said hi and I'm sure she saw right through me, but I invited her in.

I could have kissed her when she didn't ask me anything but just showed me the takeout from Yummy Yummy Heart Attack. She had brought over Drunkin Pigs and beer. Kensi even got me a cronut. It had been sitting on my doorstep for a while so it was stale but it was the thought that blew me away. She was going to throw it away, but I told her that I wanted to keep it because **"It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby."** That thought and Kens beside me made me smile and I could see the relief in her eyes. We fell into our normal routine of bantering even though it was slightly hard for me. I teased her about making a great personal assistant someday and she teased me about my cat pillow. Why had I been avoiding her for so long? This is what I had been missing; what I needed. That was the evening that I finally began to get a handle on everything that had happened to me. Having Kens there let me fall asleep without even realizing it which was one of the things I was in desperate need of. The other thing was sitting right next to me. Having her there and being able to listen to her voice brought me so much peace. When I woke up in the morning she was still there and I realized I hadn't had any nightmares. She made me feel safe again.

It was only a day or so after the evening with Kensi that I returned to work. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you it was easy going back to work because it wasn't. Callen wasn't sure I was ready to be back but I was taking it one day at a time. Having Kens there with me made all the hard work I had to go though to get back to something like the man I was before Siderov worth it.

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	7. Chapter 7: Imperfections

Give Me All of You

Here's chapter 7 for you.

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me, darn it!

Anything in bold face type italics and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

If you enjoyed this chapter, or even if you're didn't, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. My minions are hiding in the closet plotting something. They've been muttering about reviews lately.

Enjoy.

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CHAPTER 7: Imperfections

 **Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
**

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I've been partnered with Kensi for over five years now. We've had our ups and downs. We're both lousy at communication so there have been times when both of us have pulled back from what we have; but I think we're getting better; at least I hope so. I know I would die for her in a heartbeat. But I can't because she made me promise to not die on her and I'll do everything in my power to keep that promise.

We've had some rough patches before and after Siderov, but we're getting closer every day. I had some trouble right after the torture like I mentioned before when I wanted to hide from everyone and everything, but I got past that. Kensi helped me more than she'll ever know getting past what Siderov did to me, but I'm better now. The only thing is…well, Kensi keeps watching me like she's waiting for me to fall apart; as if there is no way I can be okay after what happened. What happened with Siderov was bad, very bad; but actually, I've had as bad or worse happen to me; not only in my work life, but in my personal life. Living with a monster, I've learned from Nate, either destroys you or makes you stronger. He told me, and I believe him, that I'm a strong person. I would have to be don't you think to still be breathing and walking this crazy world.

I know Kensi worries about me, especially after Siderov, but I'm fine. I don't have PTSD for crying out loud, really! And I'm not engaging in "risky behavior" no matter what anyone says or thinks. And then there's my motorcycle. Kensi started spouting statistics about returning vets, PTSD and reckless behavior. I'm not a vet with PTSD! And I'm not being reckless! I've ridden bikes for years. I know how to handle them safely and I've never had an accident or been hurt on a bike, outside of work that is. I've never had the money to get the bike I wanted until now.

I know for a fact that Kensi rides her bike on her off hours so why does everyone think it is so terrible if I do it? Hetty doesn't seem to have any problem sending us into dangerous situations or out on suicide missions; she's even sent us out on bikes for crying out loud, but now she has a problem believing I'm capable of taking care of myself on a bike? I've been riding them my whole life and contrary to popular belief, I'm a good rider. Like I said, I've never hurt myself on a bike since I learned to ride one. I'm not a child and I don't want or need to be treated like one. Why can't Hetty see that?

I can finally afford this sweet ride and I don't get to keep it? Oh no, noooo because obviously I, Martin Deeks am incapable of knowing what's good for me. I couldn't believe it when she insisted I give her the keys to my brand new bike like I was some dumb teenager who didn't know what he was doing and how dangerous it could be. Hetty had absolutely no right to take my bike away from me, no right at all…really. I only had it for the one day before the tiny terror took it. God, like I said before, that royally pissed me off. I'm a grown man for heavens sake and I should be able to decide for myself what I do outside of work. On the one hand, it made me feel good that Hetty worries about me but on the other hand, the double standard really pissed me off! If truth be told, I'm still angry about the whole situation.

~,~,~

Kensi's not perfect by any means, she has more sharp edges to her personality than a porcupine has quills. But that's what makes her perfect for me; because I'm as fucked up as she is in many ways. She felt abandoned after her father died and she was estranged from her mother for years. My old man was a monster and my mother was a doormat. Even after all the abuse she suffered at his hands, I think she still loved him and blamed me for shooting him. She abandoned me because she told Sam she thought I would grow up to be a monster like my old man was. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to Kensi; she's definitely not a doormat. She reminds me of Angela and Miss Shirley. She's a force of nature like they are. She's tough like they both are too, even if she can't flirt like Angela can.

Kens is nothing like my mother. She's strong-willed, opinionated, and passionate so if any guy tried to abuse her, she'd have no problems kicking him in his nom-de-plumes, his junk, his lunchbox, his privates; his man parts; his balls; whatever you want to call the male genitalia. She would have no problem kicking them so hard, they would probably land in another county if they didn't get caught in the guy's throat. He would definitely be down for the count and singing soprano for a very long time! Come on! She practices shooting men in the groin for crying out loud, seriously! That's my girl; Bad-ass Blye is her name and maiming male assholes is her game. She's a crack shot; a world-class sniper; can track anything in any terrain, but She. Is. Not. Perfect.

She can do almost anything she puts her mind to. I love that about her, her competitiveness and her scary skills. She challenges me every day, but what gets to me the most is when I see her in a dress. I mean she's beautiful in whatever she's wearing but when she's in a dress, it just gets to me. Dresses show off her luscious curves and her femininity to perfection. I know what you're going to say and no, like I said before, Kensi is not perfect. But you know what; her imperfections are what make her so perfect.

When I look at Kensi I don't only see a 'hot chick'. I see the most beautiful woman I've ever known. She is so afraid of commitment though that it's maddening. It's a good thing I'm a patient man because it's been years, and she still pushes me away when I get too close. I am a patient man, but I do have my limits. Sometimes I just want to shake her silly to get her to pay attention to me so I can say all of the things I've wanted to say since the first time I saw her. Sometimes when I look in her gorgeous mismatched eyes, I see into infinity. But like both of us have said before, we have problems communicating.

I know she loves me, she just has to admit it to herself. I can't wait for the day she finally admits it to herself and tells me she loves me. It will be the best day of my life; all my dreams come true; the beginning of forever. I hope we get there.

~,~,~

You know, it's really funny when you think about it; you live your life; going to work every day and doing your job. Meeting with friends on occasion, visiting family, if you have any; having fun and not thinking about what tomorrow may bring. As time passes, you see your friends move on with their lives and get married; maybe have kids and you think to yourself _"someday that will be me"_. I believe that's what most people do anyway; but not me. Until I met Kensi, I never thought I would want or have a family or a commitment to another person like that. I always shied away from the thought of having kids, because I was afraid I'd turn out like my old man.

I always thought I would end up alone somehow; not that I wanted to end up that way, but it's as if I'm not good enough or lucky enough to have any better kind of life. I thought I knew what marriage was like at a very young age watching my parents. As much as my mother loved my father all she got out of it was pain and more pain. God it gives me the creeps just thinking about him as a father, he was the sperm donor, that's all, he was never a father. It seems like every time something good happens in my life, it gets taken away from me; hence the 'pain and more pain' lessons like my mother received. I've always felt like it's my fault I can't have the good things in life. Like my old man was right and I'm useless and a waste of space. Another legacy of my misspent youth with that monster, I guess.

From talking to Nate, I know it's from the abuse I suffered beginning when I was just a toddler and continuing until I finally stood my ground and shot the bastard that gave me life. But knowing it in my head and really feeling it in my heart are two very different things. Why is it so easy to believe the terrible things a monster yells at you while you're getting the snot beat out of you, but so very hard to believe it when someone you love or respects tells you you're a good person and a good man? Can someone answer that question for me?

There I was, going along living my life as best I could when I get 'shanghaied' into the liaison position by Hetty and I do mean shanghaied. She wanted me and she knew what to do to get me as her liaison. One of these days, when I'm not pissed at her, I'll have to thank her for getting me into NCIS because that is when I discovered everything I've ever dreamed about having was standing right in front of me. Talk about cliches right? Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of coming right out and telling Kensi how I feel. What if I tell her how I feel, get my happily ever after and then something happens to her? It would end me; it would completely and utterly destroy me if that ever happened.

Kensi is my alpha and omega; my beginning and my end. You know, I look back on my life; the things I've done to try to make the world a little better, all the good and bad that I've experienced; and believe me until I met Kensi, the bad outweighed the good by a long shot, and I realize something. Before I met her, I was just going through the motions of living. Oh I had fun, I had women when I wanted them. I have some friends that I get together with and I have a few people who've taken me into their family, but I didn't realize until I met her just how much of life I was missing out on or maybe just playing at.

~,~,~

Another day at work; another day chasing down bad guys. Callen had sent Kensi and I to check out one of our suspects in a bomb selling operation involving Navy personnel while He and Sam checked out the other suspect. It was supposed to be routine. We find the guy and take him to the boatshed for interrogation. Well, routine it was not. As soon as the guy saw us, he turned to his friend which just happened to be the other suspect saying something and waving his hands around. Then they both ran; in opposite directions I might add. I went left into an alley while Kensi went straight ahead after the second suspect.

My guy is running down the alley trying to get away from me while pulling his gun out of his pants when he must have pulled the trigger as he was bringing the gun up because the next thing I know, he's on the ground rolling around moaning and groaning with his foot bleeding from the gunshot that was supposed to have been aimed at me. I might have been pissed if it wasn't so funny. I went up to him with my gun aimed at his face "Put the gun on the ground and push it over to me dickhead." I'm trying my damnedest not to bust up laughing at the schmuck when I hear Kensi call out.

"Deeks! Are you okay?" I knew Kensi was worried because she heard the gunshots and couldn't see down the alley I had run into when we split up to try and catch the two idiots running away from us.

"I'm okay, Kens. This idiot just tried to shoot me…only thing is, he must have been aiming for his own foot or he's the worst shot the world has ever known." I called out as I finally lost the battle to keep from laughing.

"You've got to be kidding me" she snorted as she entered the alley and saw that I was telling the truth. I was standing over the so-called bomb seller laying on the ground and moaning about his foot with my gun aimed at his face and a huge grin on my face. "Would you get over here and cuff him. I don't want to take any chances and besides, I'm laughing too much. This moron is so stupid he might do anything. And I don't feel like chasing him if he decides to run for it again."

"You feeling a little tired there 'delicate' or are you afraid he might get the drop on you again?" Kensi just stood there taking in the sight. She could tell I was surprised at her retort…and maybe a little miffed at being called delicate, but hey, that's our thing…it's our banter for better or worse; and she was having fun teasing me. "I told you to be careful, now didn't I partner."

I looked up at her and smirked "I was careful. Whose the one whose on the ground with a bullet in his foot and who's standing over him, huh? Where's your suspect Fern? He get away from you?"

"Don't call me Fern, Scruffy." she giggled. She actually giggled. That's something I don't hear too often from Kens, especially when we're on a case. Of course Sam and Callen were no where around. Kensi would never be caught giggling in front of them.

"No he didn't get away. I have him cuffed to the steering wheel of my car. I know how to take down a suspect, not like a scruffy surfer I know."

"Kiki, are you going to stand there all day busting my chops or are you going to help me here?" I just stood there continuing to smirk at her until she moved to help me cuff the moron on the ground. We then hauled him to his feet to take him and his partner to the boatshed for interrogation. After our encounter with them, we knew they were not the criminal masterminds behind the bomb selling ring. It looked to be a long day or even more.

We called Sam and Callen over coms and told them we had both men in our custody and would meet them at the boatshed. When all was said and done, the master mind was found, the bombs were accounted for and no one got hurt…well, other than the moron who shot himself. Another case closed out successfully.

~,~,~


	8. Chapter 8: My Muse

NCIS Los Angles - Is it mine?…Nope. Will it ever be?…Nope. Bugger!

I can't believe I've written eight chapters in the first person perspective. And it seems to be well received! Thanks to everyone who has left a review or just read the story.

To the guest reviewer who found the hilarious typo in the previous chapter - Thanks for the catch! I was almost on the floor with laughter after you pointed it out to me. It just goes to show you that even after using spell checker numerous times and reviewing each chapter 4 to 5 times before I post, something always slips by.

Reviews are always appreciated and encourage me to write more stories. Hit the button on your way out and leave one for this chapter and let me know what you thought of it. My minions will be happy and quit pestering me.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 8: My Muse

 **The world is beating you down, I'm around through every move**

 **You're my downfall, you're my muse**

~,~,~

One night after work I asked Kens if she wanted to get tacos and she agreed. This was maybe a month or so after I returned to work after Siderov and my unplanned dentistry…I think. I took her to a fancy restaurant but we didn't end up eating. Things didn't work out there because I didn't even realize I had asked her on a date without asking her on a date. I had been more concerned about talking about our 'thing' and thought we would be able to talk over a nicer meal than we usually shared. I knew we couldn't go on as we were but didn't know how to go forward. Wrong again Deeks! Kensi set me straight.

We're seated at our table when she says something about the restaurant not exactly like the tacos I had mentioned when I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat. The restaurant was a really nice one. And she's got this look on her face. She had a problem with the restaurant and my attempts to lighten the mood. When I make a quip about "stealing the plates" she starts to get angry.

" **Deeks"**

" **Okay, and that's a problem because?"**

" **Because once again you're trying to say something without actually saying it.**

 **And it's driving me nuts."**

" **I think you lost me."**

" **No. I don't think I did. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about."**

" **Do I?"**

Okay so then she did get angry and spat **"Damn it, Deeks, you asked me out on a date without actually asking me out on a date. Now, if this keeps going this way and we can't communicate…and we've been over this…you never say what you mean, and if this is the way it's gonna be, then I don't know how we're ever gonna…"**

Once again, I hit my limit so blurted out what I was thinking **"I don't want to be here with you right now."**

I can tell you that shut Kensi up. She looked at me in shock while I myself was in shock over the words that had just come out of my mouth. Before I could continue, Kensi whispered **"What?"**

I had told the truth. I didn't want to be in that restaurant with her, I wanted to be somewhere else with her; somewhere more private and possibly intimate. **"I want to be at my place…right now…with you."**

Kensi looked at me for the longest time and then began walking out of the restaurant. Had I imagined what I thought I saw in her face? I thought she had tacitly agreed to go to my place! Could I be right and we were going to finally do something about our 'thing'?

I stood up and followed Kensi out of the restaurant thinking back over the conversation we just had. Kensi kept looking over at me as she drove toward my apartment. I was deep in thought and not saying anything and I could tell it worried her. I was usually talking a mile a minute so I know she was unsettled and worried that something was wrong. It took her a while, but I wasn't surprised when she asked me "You okay, Deeks? Deeks?…Earth to Deeks!"

"What?"

"Are you okay? You're being awfully quiet over there." There were frown lines on her forehead and I could feel the tension radiating from her body.

"Enjoying the night sky, Kens. Nothing for you to worry about." I looked over at her with a smile on my face. I was hoping it would be enough to distract her. Now that we were going to my place, I was analyzing every word that had been said or left unsaid at the restaurant and was nervous as hell. I didn't want to mess this up. It might be the only chance I had to let Kens know how I felt about her.

~,~,~

We spent a magical night together. Finally seeing her in my bed and lying on top of her while we decided where we were going and then all the rest of it will remain one of my best memories forever. She was nervous and scared to take the next step…hell so was I but I wasn't about to let it stop me now. I had waited too long for this moment to let it slip through my fingers. I waited patiently for her to express herself. When I realized she didn't know how to say what she was trying so desperately to say, I tried to help her.

"What's wrong Kens, should I stop? Do you want me to stop?"

I could see the love in her eyes along with the fear as she whispered softly **"You know if we do this, this changes everything."**

" **So what do you want to do?"**

Kensi lay there beneath me and I could tell she was scared to death. Her breathing was speeding up and I could feel her heart racing. "Come on Kens, tell me what you want to do. Whatever you want, you know I'll do it. Anything for you." And I would. I would do anything for Kens. "Kens, do you want this? Just answer that one question, yes or no. Do you want this?"

" **I don't want to have to choose,"** she whispered.

I could tell she was caught in the space between what her heart wanted and what her brain was telling her to do. She was literally frozen in place by the dilemma she was feeling. I tried to help her out; I didn't want her to run again.

" **Don't. Then don't choose. We don't choose,"** I pleaded with her. I wanted her so much and I knew she wanted me but her fear was holding her back.

Kensi's too much in her own head at times. **"You know that's not how it works,"** she answered me.

"I know Kens, I know. I'll never leave you, I couldn't. It would be the end of me because you're my downfall. You're everything to me."

The next words coming from her mouth were also whispered, but I heard them very clearly. **"What do you think is gonna happen?"**

Is she really asking me what I think is going to happen? I don't really care what happens next…well that's not exactly true. I don't care what happens in the next little bit as long as I have her in my life. I know I'm praying with everything in me that we make love tonight, but if she isn't ready I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes. I might have to take very cold showers every day for the foreseeable future if we wait, but I'd do it for her. **"I don't know,"** I reply. I'm being as honest as I can be. And really I don't care so I tell her that too.

Kensi starts to cry and it breaks my heart. But before I can start to reassure her that we can stop and nothing will change between us, she asks **"What are you doing to me, Deeks?"**

I think she is going to pull away from me and get out of the bed so I'm surprised when she grabs my shirt and reaches up to kiss me. And it's an amazing kiss! It's a kiss I've been waiting an eternity for. As she kisses me, I murmur against her lips **"Falling in love with you,"** I guess that was what she needed to hear because she grabs me tighter and we continue to explore each other's lips and mouths.

Before too long we're both naked and I'm worshipping her body with my hands, lips and tongue. I don't want this night to ever end. To have Kensi with me in my bed and be able to touch her and make love with her is something I've dreamed about, but never thought I would ever get to experience. And it's love I'm making with her, it's not just sex. Sex is hot and sweaty and ultimately physically satisfying, but love now…love is so much more. It's more than just a physical release, it's a merging of two souls, it's pleasing your parter, thinking more about what they want rather than what you want. It's sharing yourself with them in every way imaginable. Love; its what that Joe Cocker song was all about and the lyrics from that song encompass so much of what Kensi and I have already been through as well as some of what I'm feeling as I make love to Kensi.

"Who knows what tomorrow brings

In a world, few hearts survive

All I know is the way I feel

When it's real, I keep it alive

The road is long, there are mountains in our way

But we climb a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong

Where the eagles cry on a mountain high.

Love lift us up where we belong

Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow"

Our love for each other takes us to the highest highs before we fall together into infinity each time we make love that night. It's the timeless dance of heaven and earth and the re-creation of that moment when everything begins.

I lost count of how many times we made love that night. All I know is it was more than twice and each time was unique.

~,~,~

We had a case the next day and I failed to take a shot because I was afraid I'd hit Kensi. Before the day is through however, we were back in our groove and were figuring out how to be partners at work and lovers at home. I had to go with Thapa to the hospital and told Kensi I'd meet her back at the mission. When I got there though she wasn't there. I flash back to the previous night and the look of Kensi in my bed when Hetty tells me she'd been reassigned to a long-term classified mission out of country. Actually the time period was 'indefinite'. Hetty wouldn't even tell me where she sent Kensi. I wanted to scream at her and ask her why she ever brought me into NCIS if all she was going to do was find a way to destroy me. She told me to go for it with Kensi; she's the one who left me the note "Sunshine and Gunpowder" and the minute I go for it, she pulls the rug out from under both our feet. We didn't even get to say goodbye for Christ's sake!

So what if we were awkward that day before we found our footing? The fact is we did find our footing by the end of the day, but according to Hetty the Hun, I guess that wasn't good enough. So she played God and separated us to what…teach us a lesson…punish us…wherever she wants I guess. I hated her that day. And to this day, I still don't trust her…not with my heart anyway. I don't know if I ever will.

I keep remembering that night and the look of Kensi in my bed and I keep thinking how happy Kens and I were. I think it's the only thing that's keeping me going while she's gone. About a month after Kensi was re-assigned, Hetty called me into her office. I couldn't believe it when she asked me how I was doing. Who the hell does she thinks she is? She ripped my life apart and stabbed me in the heart and now she asks me how I am? What absolute unmitigated gall!

Of course, I stated I was good…I was great. I should have put tape across my mouth at that point to keep myself from saying anything else, but I didn't and ended up blurting out **"But now that you mention it, I could…uh…I could be better."**

Hetty, what a master manipulator. I don't understand how she could sit there and ask me how I could be better. She knew what I wanted and needed but sat there like a great stone faced statue asking me stupid questions. Of course, stupid me, I just kept digging the hole deeper.

" **Well, for starters, I could have my partner back."**

Hetty then went on in her unique way of speaking and told me that 'unfortunately' Kensi was on a 'rather' important assignment. I'm beginning to hate the way she speaks with all the 'rather's and 'machiavelli. She sounds British when she talks like that and we're in the good old USA. Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against our British cousins. I just wish Hetty for once in her life, would state something plainly and simply. Of course, she wouldn't tell me anything about where Kens was or what she was doing because the assignment was 'classified'. Too bad, I have clearance and I think I had not only the right and the need to know where Kensi was. I'm her partner, I worry. Was she afraid I was going to spill the beans about it? Come on, I've worked here for going on five years. I should be trusted by now, don't you think?

When I asked if Kensi was in danger I received another reply that made me want to hit something or maybe scream out my frustration.

" **No more than usual."**

What a stupid thing for Hetty to say. In our line of work 'no more than usual' means she could get killed at any minute. Does Hetty think I'm a complete moron? I reached my limit once again and said what had been on my mind ever since the day Kensi left.

" **All right, I'm just gonna ask. I…is this because of me? You sending her away like that…is that because of me? Because if it is, this is simple. I can just…I can just walk, you know? I'll just go back to LAPD. Because you don't have to punish Kensi for something that…that I did or something that you think that we did. So if there's a problem here, I take full responsibility for that."**

Again, she gives me a bullshit answer about how admirable my statement about going back to LAPD was. I'm beginning to think that Hetty considers all of us as chess pieces she can move around wherever she wants whenever she wants. When I asked her if that was it, was that why she called me into her office she indicated she thought she had everything she needed. I still have no idea why she called me into her office. But I was sure it would come back to bite me in the butt at some point.

Kensi was gone for three months. Three months of misery. Three months of constant worry on my part that I would never see her again or hear her voice or that she would be killed. I know Sam and Callen were worried about me. I wasn't making as many jokes as before Kensi was re-assigned…there was nothing to joke about. I didn't talk as much in OSP, some days hardly at all and I know my silence can be unnerving. But I had nothing to say to Hetty and with Kensi gone I had no one to banter with.

I think I hid my anger very well. The team and Hetty were more concerned about my silences. I still tried to make quips and smart-ass remarks but my heart wasn't in it; I guess it wasn't good enough; I wasn't talking enough for the great and powerful Hetty Lange. At least she didn't think it was enough. That's what I overheard Hetty say one day when she was talking to Sam and Callen about me. It was one of the few times, no one realized I could hear everything they were saying. Hetty said she was worried about how serious I had become. She told Callen and Sam I had lost my "joy for life" or some such nonsense. She also said I was very pensive, whatever the hell she meant by that.

So the great Hetty Lange is worried about me now is she? So I've become too 'serious' and 'pensive' and have lost my 'joy for life' have I…according to her. Again I ask, who the hell does she think she is? She rips my life apart and lets me think for months, for months! that Kens' and my separation is all my fault but now she's worried about me. Well isn't that just a big fucking shame! She's not my mother and she's proven, at least to me with this whole debacle, that her caring act is just that, an act. I don't know how she sleeps at night or how she looks at herself in a mirror. I really don't. And I don't know why she even tries to pretend she cares now. She certainly didn't care about me and what it would do to me when she sent Kensi away and left my personal life in tatters and me worried to death Kensi could die.

I don't care that Hetty gave me a SAT phone for Christmas on which I finally got to hear Kensi's voice. I guess I'd been hiding my anger quite well, so Hetty decided to give me a gift? I mean when the box the phone was in started making noise at first I thought it might be a bomb; dumb me. When I answered the phone, I was ecstatic to hear Kensi's voice and it was great to be able to talk to her, but as far as I'm concerned, it was way too little, way too late for Hetty to try to repair the damage she had done. She shattered the trust I had in her. At least where my heart is concerned. She was too cavalier about sending Kensi off without letting either one of us say goodbye. I'm not sure she'll ever get it all back either.

~,~,~


	9. Chapter 9: Your Beautiful

NCIS Los Angles nor any of the characters belong to me.

Anything in bold face type italics and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

If you are enjoying this story, especially this chapter, or even if you're not, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. Hit that little button and feed my muse. Feedback helps me more than you can possibly know.

Enjoy.

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CHAPTER 9: You're Beautiful

 **How many times do I have to tell you**

 **Even when you're crying you're beautiful too**

Kensi never cries…or at least almost never. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen her in tears. Now angry, on the warpath, stuffing her face with junk food, or laughing with that adorable cackle like she does, now that I've seen and heard a lot of. But tears, not so much. Some women still look gorgeous when they cry. Not my Kensi. Her face gets blotchy and red, but I still think she's beautiful. Maybe not gorgeous, but beautiful. Besides true beauty is more than just the outward appearance of someone. It's what's on the inside as well. In fact someone could have the most beautiful face on the planet but if they have an ugly soul, they're still not beautiful. Their face is the lie that hides the truth. With Kens…well she's beautiful through and through. When she's old and gray with her face full of wrinkles and sagging skin, I'll still think she is the most beautiful person on the planet.

I saw Kensi cry when she finally caught her father's killer, Peter Clairmont. She was in a lot of pain from the high-velocity bullet she had taken in her vest earlier when the meet she was at was ambushed as well as from the fight she had with Clairmont in her mom's house.

Kensi had asked me earlier in the day to keep her mom safe. Hetty had told Kensi I was supposed to bring her in, but I couldn't do that to her. Especially not after she told Hetty **"No, he's not."** She hung up the phone and then looked at me.

" **Did you just hang up on them?**

" **Yeah. I've got to go talk to this woman named Megan Stevens."**

" **Kensi"**

" **No, no, no, Deeks. I…I know they want you to bring me in."**

" **I'm not talking about what they want, all right? Forget what they want. I'm talking about us, all right? I'm your partner. What makes you think that I'm gonna let you do this by yourself?"**

" **Because you're my partner. And this is my mother and you're the only person I trust."**

I sighed at that point. I knew how hard it was for Kensi to ask for anything and she was asking me to protect her mother for her. **"Okay, I'll keep her safe."** So when she finally caught up to Clairmont, I wasn't there at the beginning of the fight but I was there at the end.

Clairmont and Kensi had a knock-down drag-out fight in her mom's house of all places. He was trying his damnedest to kill her. He had also been trying to convince her that her father was just like him but she wouldn't believe any of what he was saying. Once she took Clairmont down, she left him for Granger and the authorities.

She told me later that she told him **"My father was a United States Marine. You're a killer who just happened to pass through."**

That's my girl! She is the toughest person I've ever known. She's a lot stronger than I am, that's for sure. She hates to look vulnerable in front of anyone, especially men, but I saw the tears as I was taking her to see her mom. I could tell she was scared; she hadn't talked or seen her mother in years and here she was going to actually see her. Mind you, I only saw a few tears spill from her eyes because she had her head firmly pointed away from me looking out the window of the car, but a couple escaped her attempts to hide them. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and let her know how awesome she was, how loved she was, how proud I was of her every day, but at that point in time, she was shoring up the walls around her heart with everything she had in her and I knew it wasn't the right time for her to hear any of that or how I felt about her. Someday we'll get there I know.

I asked her "Kens, you know I'm here for you, right? You can tell me anything or nothing. It won't change how I see you or think of you. You're my Kensalina, my bad-ass Blye, my muse. I'll be here whenever you're ready to talk."

"I know Deeks. I just…I can't talk about it right now, okay?"

"Sure Princess. Just know when you're ready, I'm here. I'll never leave you. I'll always be watching out for you; you know that don't you? Even when you don't see me, I'll be there, watching over you. I'm your partner and it's what partners do for each other."

She glanced quickly at me before looking out the window again and whispering. "Thanks Deeks, I know…I've known for a long time that I can count on you."

When we got to her mom's I watched from the car as she went up to the door and hesitated before knocking. When the door opened and she was finally face-to-face with her mom, her mom wrapped her up in a hug and took her inside.

~,~,~

I saw tears in her eyes when she told me she was leaving me tied to that chair in Siderov's garage. I know it was hard for her to do that to me and walk out of that garage. I've forgiven her for leaving me there; I forgave her a long time ago. I think I already said that, didn't I? If not, then I'm saying it now. I did…I forgave her a long time ago…it was easy actually once I got my head together. She had been in an impossible situation then and had to do what Granger told her. We got through it. When we were talking in the bullpen after we had taken down Siderov, she told me she was there for me if I wanted to talk about it or even if I didn't. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it at that moment in time so told her **"I just…I want to walk away from it."**

She thought I wanted some time off from work and encouraged me to take the time, but that wasn't what I meant. I tried to explain it to her. **"I just need to get away from everything…you know? I just…like I just…"** God, I didn't really know what I wanted, but Kensi took what I said the wrong way.

She whispered **"And everyone?...Okay."** That's when I saw tear begin to pool in her eyes; those gorgeous polychrome eyes. I felt terrible for causing her pain so tried again to tell her what I was feeling and thinking.

" **Kens."**

" **Yeah?"**

" **Hey, I just want you to know that…the place I went to…in my head...to, uh…stop the pain…was you. I just kept thinking about...your smile…and your laugh…Everything. It's the only thing that got me through…For whatever it's worth."**

I think if there had been more time for ourselves, we might have had a very meaningful discussion but Sam and Callen had to interrupt us. They have the worst timing imaginable!

I saw tears in her eyes when she was telling me about her frozen lake. When I didn't understand what she meant she spelled it out for me. She said your frozen lake is the name you use for what you want the most in the world; you want it so much that you'll do anything for it. You want it so bad that your heart takes over your head and you make bad decisions because of it which destroys you in the end. She said she learned it in her Sayoc class. I was so afraid at that moment in time that she was telling me we couldn't be a couple; that we would never make it as more than partners because of the awkwardness of that first day after we made love for the first time. I felt like my heart might burst right out of my chest. But thank God we worked it out in the end and I got some very good advice from my friend Thapa on how to cross a frozen lake. I miss that man. He was a very smart and humble person and I learned more from him in the short time I knew him than I did through 11 years with my sperm donor. See, he told me that what you have to do is take it very slowly, walk don't run. Stop every so often and look at everything around you. Take your time and appreciate what you see and feel. You know, stop and smell the roses as they say. It sounded so simple but of course in reality it was anything but simple. Thapa told me if I did that, Kensi would wait for me. It took a long time, and there were a lot of bumps and detours on our journey but in the end he was right.

~,~,~

When we rescued Kensi from Afghanistan, she cried in my arms. I think that was the most vulnerable I've ever seen her. I was hugging her when Sam and Callen came up and told us a spread was laid out for us in the mess. Kensi thanked the guys for what they did but stayed in my arms. After they left, I could feel her tears begin but she had her head buried in my chest. I heard her whisper **"It was really bad."**

If anything, I held her tighter while I tried to soothe her, doing everything in my power to show her she was safe now. I kept whispering in her ear that it was going to be okay; that I had her and we were going home. **"We're going home."** I think it helped; she stayed in my arms for a while and seemed calmer when the hug ended. She didn't really talk about what had happened to her there for a very long time.

~,~,~

When she was interrogated by that DOJ bitch a few months later, I could tell something was wrong as soon as she came out of the interrogation room and the bitch left, but she wouldn't look at me. She was looking everywhere around the boatshed but at me at first. I tried to get her to open up to me asking her what they wanted to know, what they asked her about. I kept getting very short, sometimes one-syllable answers. When I tried to get her to give me a high-five, it was pathetic. And she still wasn't really looking at me. Now I was really worried. I finally got her to turn around and face me and she looked absolutely devastated by what she had just gone through. I don't believe in hitting women, but I really wanted to hit the bitch that hurt Kensi at that moment. Kensi was more important than getting back at that bitch though, and I knew what she needed at that point **"Oh, my God…Come here…It's okay."** I held her hand and pulled her toward me.

She came into my arms and let me hug her. My Kens was crying as she told me she just wanted to forget what had happened to her. I wished with all my heart I could take the memories and the hurt away. But I knew she couldn't just wish them away. I knew from experience that wishing the memories away doesn't work. I tried that after Siderov and it didn't help until I confronted my memories and fears. I did my best to let her know she could get through it just like I had after my torture and she would be finally able to make peace with what happened to her. But I've got to tell you, I hated Hetty all over again right at that moment. I really hated her for what Kens had to go through because Hetty thinks she can move us around like chess pieces.

When I was finally able to get a small laugh out of her, I could breathe again. Her little laugh eased my mind greatly. It took me saying **You're tougher than me, and that's tough…Even with this adorable…veneer."** I was pointing at my face when I said it,

She actually laughed through her tears **"My God. And just like that the moment is way gone."**

I reassured her **"That's okay. I've got more moments."** She smiled at me and that's the moment I knew she was going to be okay.

~,~,~


	10. Chapter 10: Taking a Risk

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me. I've brought the characters out to play but will put them back in good condition when I'm done with them.

Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list here but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

This chapter has given me fits. I wanted to post it sooner, but I kept tweaking it trying to make it better. I'm not sure if I succeeded. This story is coming to an end; there's only one more chapter after this one.

Reviews are always welcome. If you are enjoying this story, especially this chapter, or even if you're not, leave a review on the way out and let me know why.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 10: Taking a Risk

 **Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts**

 **Risking it all, though it's hard**

Things have been good with Kensi and me lately. We still have trouble communicating but we're getting better all the time. I still haven't been able to take the risk to let her know exactly how I feel about her in words. I'm so afraid it will be too much for her and I'll lose her to her fears. That frozen lake is still between me and showing her my heart's desire.

I mean we made plans to go to Mamouth together. I was really looking forward to that until work made it impossible to get away. And she found out about me knowing Kip Brigham during a case. I have to admit she was impressed. Especially when she found out we've known each other for years. But there are still some risks I think we're both afraid to take; some things we still haven't come clean about our pasts with each other. I want her to think the best of me. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to tell her some things.

It's really hard to expose yourself completely to another person; all the good and bad things you've done or had happen to you in your life. Once you do that, there's no going back. That's the risk. There are no do-overs once you've opened yourself up completely to another person. What if the person doesn't love you anymore once you've told them everything. That's what I was afraid of. I was afraid she would look at me and feel differently about me once she found out everything. There were things that happened to me as a child I still haven't told her. I've done things I'm not particularly proud of…oh, nothing illegal unless it was part of an undercover operation, but things I'm not proud of.

I'm sure in some ways she feels the same way. I've tried to convince her that nothing she could possibly tell me would change the way I feel about her. I know the true Kensi Marie Blye and there is no other person on the face of this earth I would rather be with than her; no one else I've ever loved or will ever love like I love her. As I've said before, she is my beginning and my ending. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'll take anything she'll give me of herself and consider myself a lucky man.

I think we finally got across our "frozen lake" around Christmas time. Callen had been seeing this teacher, Joelle. She ended up involved in one of our cases and found out that Callen had been lying to her about who he really was and what he did for a living. Kind of killed the relationship for a while. Anyway, Michelle somehow got us all together at this outdoor ice skating rink. She had a surprise for Sam in the person of his son Aidan. He hadn't been able to get home for Thanksgiving because he was studying to become a Cadet Sergeant. Aidan got his promotion and came home for Christmas. It was nice to see how happy Sam was when he saw his son.

It was at the ice skating rink when Kensi finally took a risk and told me she wanted to be bold…with me. Well, it took her a little bit before she could come right out and say it. We were skating…and she told me she wanted to talk to me; actually she yelled at me at first.

" **Deeks! Come here."**

" **I…All right."**

She punched me in the arm when I stopped in front of her so I gave her a typical Marty Deeks reply. **"…Ow!"**

" **Okay. Go for Santa."** I chuckled, looking at her looking at me but not saying anything.

Kensi sighed which made me worry. I waited with some trepidation over what she was going to say. **"What's going on? You're freaking me out."**

She stumbled over her words a little bit **"Oh, my gosh. You plan these things to say, and when the time comes, you can't say them…Um…Just you and me. Kensi and Deeks, Deeks and Kensi."**

She paused for a moment causing my heart to skip a beat **"A…Alone, we're bold, we're brash, we can move mountains. And together we're…um… We're safe"** She stopped there and just looked at me.

With a sinking feeling in my heart I replied **"Yeah, together we're safe."** I didn't know what else to say. I thought for sure she was going to break my heart by telling me we could never be more than partners.

" **Yeah, I know."** she continued." **I want to be bold, Deeks. But I want to be bold with you."**

Just as before I had thought my heart was going to stop beating, now it felt like it was dancing for joy inside my chest. Maybe we were finally…finally going to move forward in our relationship. **"So no more games then?"** I asked her.

" **No more games."**

" **Chips on the table? All in?"**

" **All in."**

" **Tonight? Tomorrow?"**

" **And the day after that…"**

That was all I needed to hear. I kissed her with everything I had in me. It was an awesome kiss. Right up there with the one I gave her just before all hell broke loose with Siderov. When the kiss ended, we looked at each other with joy and kissed again. I've never been as happy as I was right then.

~,~,~

We're finally passed where we were just before Kensi was sent to Afghanistan. We're keeping it quiet because we don't want anyone, and by anyone, I mean Hetty, the Dame of Deception, or Deputy Director Granger, to send one of us away again. Besides, it's none of their business what we do in our private time. We've worked out how to act at work and there isn't any more awkwardness at work just because we have a personal relationship outside of work. We're together most nights either at her place or mine. Having her next to me in bed is my idea of heaven, even if she does starfish all over the place I think it's adorable! And I don't know why but hearing her little snort snores makes me feel like anything is possible as long as we're together.

I've finally made peace with what I did when I thought Kens was dead. It took a while because I was so afraid I was turning into a monster like my old man but I finally realized that I stopped myself…I stopped myself, me…no one had to stop me. The second thing I finally realized was that I apologized for what I did or almost did to that blind old man and begged his forgiveness. My old man would never have done either of those things. I know the cleric was part of the Taliban, but he hadn't done anything to me personally. I found out just how far I would go for Kensi and it turned out it wasn't as far as I was afraid of at the time.

I want more now, I want it all; the house with the picket fence and little mutant ninja assassins running around and I want it with her, only her. I don't know if I can tell her I'm thinking about the house and little ninja assassins though because it involves a ring that has been burning a hole in my pocket for weeks now. I haven't been able to get up the nerve to ask her to marry me yet. It wasn't that long ago that I finally told her I loved her. I mean, I know I said I was falling in love with her the first time we made love, but so much has happened since then. And it hasn't been that long since the skating rink after all.

Almost all of my dreams came true the night when she didn't run but said "I love you too Marty" as we lay in bed after making love. Marty! She called me Marty. She always calls me Deeks. When she said my name I actually shivered and could feel the heat building once again in my groin. It was such a turn-on to hear my name coming from her lips.

"Say it again" I told her.

"What? Say I love you? I do you know. I have for the longest time but I was too afraid to say it."

"No…I…what I mean is…I love you too…but my name, say my name again."

"Marty" she purred.

"You never call me Marty, you always call me Deeks. Why the change, not that I'm complaining?"

"You're Deeks at work and I'm going to keep calling you that there, but from now on you're Marty when we're together away from work…Marty…Marty…I love you Marty." She was snuggling into my shoulder and running her hands down my chest as she repeated my name in a husky tone of voice.

"If you keep saying my name like that, I won't be responsible for what happens." I growled. "You are so hot right now and I want you so much."

"And I can be had…right now, Marty."

That was all I needed to hear. We spent the next few hours in bed together. I re-explored every inch of that beautiful body, worshiping her in the only way I knew how. I gave her all of me, several times in fact. I loved the soft sighs, moans and whispered pleas from her as I worshipped her with my hands and tongue. I know I saw stars when we came together and Kensi looked at me like I hung the moon and the stars in the sky. I took us both to the edge of time repeatedly where we fell together through the cosmos and on into infinity in each others' embrace.

~,~,~

When I woke the next morning, I took one look at the beautiful woman beside me and burst into quiet laughter. She was in her classic starfish pose, but she had one arm over my chest and one leg over my legs like she was making sure I stayed right where I was. She needn't have worried. I didn't want to be anywhere but in bed with her. Her hair was spread out over my pillows and she had her head on my shoulder snort snoring quietly. It is so adorable when she does that. I couldn't help myself, I turned my head and kissed her on the forehead and began stroking her cheek.

~,~,~


	11. Chapter 11: Together

We're at the end of another story. This is the last chapter. I've struggled with it for a long time and I'm still not completely happy with it but so it goes.

NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me but my minions and I can always bring the characters out to play. I'll put them back in good shape, I promise!

Anything in italics is thoughts. Anything in bold face type and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list here but they are from most of the seasons of the show.

Reviews are always welcome. If you've enjoyed this story, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. Feedback helps me more than you can possibly know.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

CHAPTER 11: Together

 **I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you  
**

~,~,~

I'm nervous as hell, seriously! I've finally decided to 'pop the question'. It's been a hell of a ride so far. I feel like I've know Kensi my entire life and now I want more. I want it all and it all starts with making her my bride. I only hope Kensi says yes. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't want to marry me. Probably find the nearest bar and drown my sorrows in beer then howl at the moon or something.

I booked us dinner reservations at this small but very elegant restaurant. It's not well known yet, but it will be soon. It's going to be the next "it" restaurant in LA before too long. I told Kensi to wear something nice because we're celebrating our anniversary. It's been a year since we both decided we were all in. No more games, chips on the table, etc. I thought it would be fitting to ask her to marry me on the anniversary of that declaration. I just hope she feels that same way.

Anyway we had a wonderful dinner, but all I could think about was the "dessert" the waiter would be bringing out after the meal. The chef's an old friend of mine. How do you think I was able to get reservations in the first place? So anyway, Will, that's his name, and I put our heads together to come up with a wonderful dessert he could create that looked somewhat like a twinkie with the ring as part of the decoration on the frosting. Yes, there's frosting on the 'twinkie'. It was a perfect 'Kensi' dessert. Besides, how else was I going to get the ring to stay put?

When the waiter took the plates away after our meal, I told Kensi I had a surprise for her.

"What kind of surprise Deeks? Am I going to like it?"

"Come on Kens, of course you're going to like it. I had it made especially for you." I smiled at her. I couldn't wait to see her face when the dessert arrived.

"You had it made especially for me? You're not on another health kick and trying to pass off something healthy as dessert are you?" Kensi glared at me. Her sweet tooth is legendary.

"No, this is a real dessert. Anyone would think that you don't trust me sugarbear." I tried looking pathetic, but I'm not sure it worked.

"I trust you with my life Deeks. It's just sometimes you're an idiot." Kensi snorted when she called me an idiot. I love that laugh snort or would that be called a 'lasnort' or a 'snaught'? Anyway you know what I'm talking about; it's that sound she makes when she's happy. I guess I was doing something right after all.

I saw the waiter coming back toward the table with the dessert and my heart started pounding in my chest. I could feel sweat forming on my brow. You would think I was a 16 year old boy asking the pom queen to go steady.

The dessert was set in front of Kensi with a small bow from the waiter. He then discreetly retreated. Kensi looked at the dessert and then looked at me. I knew right away she had seen the ring. My hands started shaking as she sat there looking at the dessert in total silence. I was getting a bad feeling about things when she reached out a shaking hand and plucked the ring out of the frosting. She licked the frosting off the ring, and then wiped it with her napkin before looking at me again.

"Is this what I think it is?" she asked turning her gaze back to the ring in her hand.

I slipped out of my seat and down to one knee "Kensi Marie Blye; will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world?"

"This is an engagement ring?"

"Yes, Kens. Will you marry me?"

"You're proposing to me? You want to marry me?"

" _Come on Kens. Say yes, please. You're killing me here."_ My thoughts were all over the place. She still hadn't said yes, but then again she hadn't said no either. Maybe I still had a chance. I reached for the ring and placed it onto the tip of her ring finger. "Marry me please."

"Marry you? Marry you? Oh yes, yes Marty; I'll marry you!"

I slipped the ring the rest of the way onto her finger just before she grabbed my face with her hands and kissed me for all she was worth. She looked at the ring again and sighed "It's perfect. It's so beautiful. I like the sapphires, they remind me of your eyes."

I could feel my heart begin to settle back down into a more normal rhythm. The ring wasn't huge or gaudy, but I thought it was perfect. It had a one-carat emerald cut diamond with three graduated sapphires on each side. I was glad she liked it.

Now all we had to do was to plan the wedding.

~,~,~

Sam's been fussing over me for the last half hour. I'm fine, really, my tie is fine, my hair is fine and I'm ready but Sam is acting like I'm going to run away if he doesn't stay right beside me.

"Are you ready?" I hear Sam say for the third time.

"Sam, I've been ready for years! I'm ready, seriously. Let's get this show on the road."

Sam and I proceed to the front of the small chapel Hetty found for Kensi and me to be married in. It's near the beach and is perfect. It's very simple but plenty big enough for our friends and family. Neither one of us has that many friends other than our team mates or much other family. Kensi has her mom, but I don't have any family. In actual fact, the team is my family and that's enough for me. My friends are all here for me though and I couldn't wish for more.

I asked Sam to be my best man and Callen and Eric to be my groomsmen. I would have liked to have Ray stand up with me, but it was too much of a risk. Somehow, Hetty was able to convince the marshal's service to let Ray attend. Having him as a guest is also a risk but at least he's part of the crowd and not standing out. I'm glad Hetty was able to pull it off. I called him right after I asked Kensi to marry me. All he said was "It took you long enough."

Callen and Eric have finally gotten everyone seated. The chapel is beautiful but all I want to see is Kensi coming down the aisle toward me. I can't wait to start the rest of our lives together.

Wat and Hank are here along with the few friends I have from LAPD. Angela, Richard and Mac are here as well. Angela already has tears of happiness in her eyes. I can see them from where I'm standing. She's more of a mother to me than my birth mother was. I can't express how much it means for me to have everyone I care about here today as I finally marry the woman of my dreams.

Angela is one of the first really strong women I ever knew. Now I'm surrounded by strong women; Angela, Hetty, Kensi and Nell. She is developing into a very strong woman as well and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Brian was right when he told me so long ago that I would meet the perfect woman for me and she would know me and love me for who I was. I don't think I believed him then, but he was right; oh God was he right. I think of him now up in heaven watching over me like he said he was going to. He's probably laughing his ass off right about now and telling me "I told you so". Kensi is the only woman for me. She's who I was looking for and waiting for my entire life. I just didn't know it at the time. She's my beginning and my ending; my alpha and omega as it were. I will love her forever and beyond.

So I'm standing here waiting for Kensi when the wedding march starts. I look up and see Nell gliding down the aisle followed by Joelle she's Callen's girlfriend; yes you heard me right. The great loner has found a woman to put up with him. I hope it works out for them. I want everyone around me to be as happy as I am. Both Nell and Joelle are beautiful, but they're not who I'm looking for. I look past them and see this vision moving toward me.

I'm standing here staring at Kensi as she walks down the aisle toward me and I'm completely in awe. She has never looked more beautiful than she does right now. She is an absolute vision in an ivory gown that caresses her figure without being tight. It moves in the slight breeze from the open windows and makes it look like Kensi is floating over the ground like an angel. Well, she is my angel. And in a few minutes, she's going to be my wife. My wife! And I'm going to be her husband. I will spend every day for the rest of my life showing her and telling her how much she means to me. I will love her until the end of time and beyond.

Her mother is escorting her down the aisle and trying not to cry. Kensi and her mom have been getting closer ever since she found out who killed her father. I'm so glad they're close. Kensi needs her mom in her life. They had so much fun shopping for the dress and planning this wedding together. I would have been happy getting married on the beach, but nothing is too good for my Kiki. I tried to sneak a look at the dress but of course I got caught before I did. I thought Kensi was going to kill me when she caught me but luckily she saw the humor in it. Of course, she had to spoil everything by taking the dress to her mother's so it would be out of my reach, but the wait was definitely worth it.

Kensi asked her mom to escort her down the aisle. She asked Nell to be her maid of honor and Joelle to be her only bridesmaid, so it's just the eight of us in the wedding party. Sam and Kensi's mom look great standing up here with us; while Callen and Joelle keep sneaking looks at each other. Eric and Nell are so cute together. She's so short but since he's only 5 foot 9 they look good together. I wonder if there is something going on between them? They keep sneaking looks at each other. Maybe I'm going to have to do some detecting. That's going to have to wait until after the honeymoon though. No way am I going to think about anything but Kensi for the next week!

FINI

Raderle

~,~,~

Words from "Give Me All of You"

[Verse 1: John Legend]  
What would I do without your smart mouth  
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down  
What's going on in that beautiful mind  
I'm on your magical mystery ride  
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Bridge: John Legend]  
My head's under water  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Hook: John Legend]  
'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you

[Verse 2: John Legend]  
How many times do I have to tell you  
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too  
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood  
You're my downfall, you're my muse  
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues  
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Bridge: John Legend]

[Hook: John Legend]

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts  
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Hook: John Legend]

I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you


End file.
